Hate Watching: The Wolfman

Hello and welcome to another Hate Watch. Today I'll be walking us through the 2010 Horror classic, "The Wolfman". Hopefully we can find a little entertainment hidden in there.

I was holding out for a title to start with, but the movie begins with this guy wandering the woods of Blackmoor, England.

He's yelling and carrying on about someone being "out here". I wonder who he's talking about. Before long, though, we discover the awful truth: There's a Wolf Man in them woods. Lamp Man gets his bits all slashed out.

Oh there's my title. Cool beans. Our movie fades in on Hamlet's famous "Alas poor Yorick" speech in a playhouse, because in Blackmoor, England of antiquity, they didn't have the internet yet so people went to plays.

What's fascinating is that they found a guy to play Hugh Hefner, and he looks just like Hugh Hefner did 300 years ago. He's barely changed.

We meet the delightful Gwen, who was engaged to Ben, who I'm assuming was the Lamp Man killed on the fen. Not again. She introduces herself to Hugh Hefner, and we find out that Ben was Hugh Hefner's brother. Gwen informs us that Ben has gone missing for a month and that nobody can find him. Turns out that the night he disappeared, two villagers were killed, and Gwen is worried he may be in trouble. Got all that?

Hugh gives absolutely none of a fuck and sends her on her way. Locating his brother would involve wearing clothes that aren't comically hedonistic. Hugh doesn't roll like that.

The next day, an old man bothers Hugh Hefner while he sleeps on a train. He's so old. It's pretty terrible.He's across the aisle from Hugh Hefner, and they make small talk. For no good reason, Old Man offers Hugh an extraordinarily valuable sword-cane with a SILVER handle that's shaped like an angry wolf when he learns Hugh is headed for Blackmoor. Hugh refuses this pitifully obvious MacGuffin with a grateful smile. When he wakes up in Blackmoor, however, the sword cane has been left there and Old Man is gone.

Hugh hops off a carriage in Blackmoor. If there was ever a town that just screamed "INFESTED WITH VICTORIAN MONSTROSITIES", it was Blackmoor. Seriously this place looks identical to Duskwood from World of Warcraft, and there are so many werewolves there.

On the other hand it sort of resembles Willimantic. Moving on, Hugh walks brazenly into a random house and is immediately trapped between the Hound of the Baskervilles and Anthony Hopkins, who never turns down a movie. It turns out Anthony Hopkins is Hugh's dad. You can tell, because he hangs out in an even more outrageously luxurious coat, even when he's clearly not expecting guests. He's like a hedonistic coat mentor.

It turns out Ben (remember Ben? Hugh Hefner's brother. Lamp Man. Keep up.) is dead, and after a month of nothing, somebody's found his body next to the road in a ditch somewhere. Dad introduces Hugh to Osama Bin Laden, who has no taste in coats at all.

The next day, Hugh travels to the Blackmoor suburb of Gloomdeathton, where he must identify his brother's month-old mangled remains. This guy answers the door.

Maybe the medical examiner had a different uniform back then. So Hugh goes in the back and pulls the cloth off his brother's body. Hopefully he'll be able to identify any familiar features.

I'm guessing he didn't look like that before. Hugh goes to the bar and drinks with the many mustached gentlemen of Gloomdeathston, who discuss the various unnatural deaths that have been transpiring. Someone blames the Gypsies, because in Europe 300 years ago, people didn't trust those gypsies. But Rambling World Weary Drunk has other ideas. He tells the tale of similar murders way back when, and explains that the creature who killed these men is large, clawed, invulnerable to typical firearms, and can be killed with silver bullets. And only comes out by the full moon. Seems like he's getting at something.

He is of course laughed at. I'd laugh. Werewolves aren't real. Why isn't it ever a clean, sober dude who makes these outlandish suggestions? Someone with a little credibility? Moving on, the mustached gentlemen start talking shit about some gypsy lady who used to live nearby, and for some reason Hugh comes over and splashes one of the gentlemen in the face with whiskey. Apparently the gypsy lady was Hugh's mother.

That's right kids, Hugh is part Gypsy. I think we're supposed to think that matters. Hugh goes back to his dad's house for dinner, which is of course ridiculously extravagant. Dad rambles about how Ben used to be the emmisary to the local Gypsies before his awful murder, and then does the David Caruso sunglasses pose.

"I guess you could say... we got Gypped." ( http://www.instantsfun.es/csi )

I don't know why he's wearing sunglasses and I don't care. I've always wanted to do one of those.

Dad talks about Gypsies and the Moon and I'm starting to think we've seen all we're going to see of any werewolves. Sure, I keep pausing the film to write but it still feels like it's dragging. Hugh and Gwen have a creepy, awkward discussion in the hallway. Hugh lurks around the house and has visions of his childhood, which evidently took place before Blackmoor was enveloped in a permanent ground fog.

Turns out that in his childhood, he wandered outside at night and found his dad clutching a dead gypsy. Oh shit that's probably his mom. Strange time, childhood. Mom razor'd her own neck, next to the swimming pool for some reason.

So now we have a brief funeral for Ben, and Hugh wanders around in the dank, foggy woods. Luckily, Gwen is hanging out there already and they have yet another halting, awkward, clearly deceptive conversation. Hugh will not be returning to the theatre until he's solved his brother's clearly werewolf-related murder.

Hugh journeys to the Gypsy Camp and is directed to what appears to be The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus, talks to some Gypsies, then the Mustached Gentlemen show up to take the Gypsies' bear (oh yeah they have a bear) and that's when all hell breaks loose.

Hey, aren't cops in England referred to as "Fingermen"? Just pointing that out. So there's some kind of crazed beast creature running around slaughtering Gypsy and civilized human being alike, and Hugh wants to know what it is. A gypsy screams, "It's the DEVIL!"

So one of the little Gypsy boys runs away to the dubious safety of Stonehenge, and being a highly trained actor, Hugh grabs a gun and runs to save him. He is of course knocked down and bitten savagely in the shoulder... and not by the devil.

He is nursed back to health by Gypsies, who debate the morality of letting him live. Clearly he is to become a werewolf. For some reason, they don't cut his head off and he returns to Blackmoor. While he sleeps by the time-lapse moonlight, he is plagued by nightmares of Gollum.

Don't ask. Moving on, Anthony Hopkins is deeply depressed at the prospect of his son's fate. You can tell because he's only dressed stylishly instead of garishly. Osama Bin Laden brings tea and cookies.

Hugh Hefner's symptoms grow worse, because the symptoms of being a werewolf are headache, nausea, jaundice, and reduced appetite. Obviously. Moving on, this film has more shots of the moon than the movie "Moon". It's supposed to come across as this menacing, inevitable menace, but it just seems like the editor was practicing his time-lapse skills.

Hugh Hefner sort of recovers and has a long and creepy conversation about Werewolf Curses with Osama Bin Laden. (I really did just write that sentence.) Hugh almost touches Osama's Koran, but Osama basically says "No touchy the booky with your curse-y fingers, wolf boy." Good old Osama. Always ready with some compassion.

Victorian Agent Smith arrives in Gloomdeathston, and boy does he look ready. For something.

It turns out he's here to examine Hugh Hefner and see if he can't help with the whole Werewolf problem. He sits down with the family in their horrifying dark library and discusses Werewolf lore with them for a bit. Hugh knows who this dude is, though, and is suspicious. "Aren't you the one who was in charge of the Ripper case, a few years back?"

The Jack the Ripper case? Of course! I knew I recognized you from somewhere!

Hugh kicks him out because he doesn't feel like being examined. I guess I don't blame him.

Hugh takes a walk by the pond, where the reflected sunlight on the water starts making him trip balls and see visions of werewolf mouth. Hm... you know what else reflects sunlight? THE MOON. Gwen shows up for no reason and they have a romantic rock skipping lesson. If by romantic you mean sickly and pallid, and by lesson you mean jesus christ why don't these people spend more time outside?

Then again this is Victorian England so she probably uses mercury to sweeten her tea. Hugh realizes suddenly that he can hear really well, and follows the sound of horses. He ends up in his driveway. A posse of Mustached Gentlemen is here to take him away, since tonight is the full moon and he's all bitten and cursed and whatever. Luckily, Dad shows up with a gun and threatens to have Osama Bin Laden kill them all if they don't leave.

So they leave. If there's one thing parents are good at in horror movies, it's ensuring that they will be alone and as unprotected and unprepared as possible when their child inevitably becomes a deadly abomination. Way to go, Dad.

Elrond wanders the streets of Gloomdeathston, swinging his umbrella and smirking at the world from behind his mutton chops, while a preacher preaches all the Bible verses that mention werewolves. (Yup.) The posse of Mustached Gentlemen forges a bunch of silver bullets and gets ready to go kill some Werewolf.

Elrond finds his way into the bar, where the barmaid gives him all kinds of shit about not joining the Werewolf Hunt. Elrond says that since most people live pretty close to the bar, he should just wait here and the Werewolf will simply kill someone nearby while he drinks and he'll know where to start.

Anthony Hopkins goes wandering through the forest with a lantern. We all know that's a foolproof way to attract a werewolf. What could he be thinking? Hugh gives chase.

Dad shuffles into a sort of vault, where his wife is buried. An extremely dignified carving of his wife seductively spread out under a thin blanket, pointed nipples immortalized in stone, decorates her mausoleum. Classy.

Hugh goes down into the catacombs, meets his father, they babble about "the beast within" for a couple of minutes, and then holy shit Dad has yellow eyes, he's the werewolf! As though it was less than obvious. Hugh has just enough time to be surprised before he, too, starts wolfing it up. The body horror here is pretty good stuff. Lots of cracks and pops.

The transformation complete, Hugh The Werewolf is free to wreak havoc on the completely prepared people of Blackmoor!

And that seems like a good place to stop for now. We're about halfway through the movie and I'm having a blast. Sort of. I have to admit, this film is pretty boring so far, but maybe I'm just used to my werewolves being more engaging. And my protagonists being a little easier on the eyes.

See you next time!