So. Part one of my breakdown can be found here, if you haven't been keeping up. If you have, I congratulate you on your stamina. Let's get through this together. When we left off, Jacob had just revealed himself to be a Traditional Native American Werewolf, and was standing off against another werewolf to defend Bella. And Edward Cullen hasn't been in this film for almost forty minutes, that's kind of cool.
So there's a Werewolf Fight, which I'm getting pretty sick of. No more back-to-back werewolf movies.
The other Native American Werewolf Gang Members (these titles are getting tedious) bring Bella back to their den so they can wait for Jacob and Wolfgang Leader to come back once they're done murdering each other. Apparently this is common. The Wolf Den is nice and rustic. It seems like the kind of place a group of young men would go when they just want to get away from it all. And have chesthair-gripping gay sex. You know, a nice quiet retreat. They invite Bella inside without being creepy at all.
Bella goes inside, where she meets Wolfgang Leader's "Mate", who I'll call Gashface. Gashface upset Wolfgang Leader one time, so he mangled her face. She stuck with him, because it was her own fault for not having his grapefruit juice ready when he was done bench-pressing paint cans. She knows he likes his grapefruit juice. She should have known better.
If there was any doubt in my mind that this book was written by a person indoctrinated in an oppressively misogynistic religious philosophy, it's been quashed by the sight of Gashface. It's not all bad, though. Gashface makes excellent muffins. Because if she doesn't...
When Jacob returns, Bella goes for a walk on the beach with him and discusses his werewolfy nature. Apparently if vampires move in anywhere near Native Americans, the young men of the tribe begin turning into werewolves to counter the threat. (yup)
Ready for some more heavy-handed homosexuality metaphors? Jacob utters this line, and I quote: "It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella. I was born this way. I can't help it." And with the standard religiously homophobic response ready to fly like a crossbow bolt, Bella responds "It's not what you ARE, it's what you DO."
I'll get off my soapbox now.
It turns out that werewolves are designed to do one thing: Kill Vampires. Oh good. Automatic drama. The local Vampires (the Cullens) have a treaty with the werewolves to not bite any humans, but any other vampires are fair game. Rasta Vampire? Dead. And best of all, Assholette has been sighted, and the werewolves are hot on her trail.
Good. Great. Bella goes home and mopes. I need to point out that when she daydreams about Edward, she also daydreams HIS VOLVO.
I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Product placement is rarely subtle, but this is just stupid. So ten seconds later, Assholette is on the prowl, and she's hunting Charlie and his Indian Guide while they're out looking for signs of these giant wolves. Luckily, a wolf I'm pretty sure is Jacob turns up to battle her.
Unfortunately, she's just as fast as Bella warned them she would be, and she escapes without a scratch into the sea. Oh well. The damage is done; Charlie's Indian Guide dies of a heart attack after being frightened by her.
Meanwhile, Bella obeys her insanity and leaps off a cliff, talking to "Edward" the whole time. Evidently she's still on her risky behavior kick.
And with much triumphant music, she leaps off the cliff. The landing is easy, and she comes up all smiles, but then, what do you know, she gets crushed by several large waves in a row. All of a sudden she sees Assholette swimming towards her, because this is a hilariously convenient time to be cliff jumping, and in her panic she whacks her head on a rock. Edward Hallucination shows up, probably to laugh at her.
But that ubiquitous (read: Stalker) werewolf shows up just in time to save her. Of course. And he has to do CPR, even though it involves touching yucky woman boobs. What a hero.
Jacob drives Bella home and they have an awkward sort of romantic moment thing, but then Jacob smells a vampire! In Bella's house! Just look at the expression of rage and fear on her face.
They go inside to confront this dark being, and it's just Alice. After Alice ruins the endings to six TV shows, she explains that she had a vision of Bella leaping off a cliff for no reason and thought that she'd committed suicide. Bella explains that it was just recreational cliff diving.
Yeah all the kids are doing it. Had nothing whatsoever to do with my desire to hallucinate Edward by putting my life at risk. Duh. Bella and Alice catch up for a few minutes, until Jacob comes bursting in because he was Worried About Her Safety. Apparently Alice's psychic powers get all blurred if there are supernatural beings involved, which is why she didn't see Bella come out of the water. A werewolf pulled her out. I'll go with that.
Bella and Jacob almost-kiss in the kitchen, but the phone rings. Jacob answers and replies "Charlie's not here right now. He's arranging a funeral". Obviously he's referring to the Indian Guide. And he hangs up. Not a big deal right?
WRONG. Because guess who it was that called?
Aw. Now Edward thinks Bella is dead. Which sucks because he's in Rio, and he could have had a really great night. Anyway, back in Forks (yup) Alice comes gliding in and claims Edward is gonna kill himself because he now believes Bella is dead. Why would he suddenly have that idea hey waaiiiiiiit a second... What the hell, Jacob?
So now we're mad at Jacob and we've gotta hurry up and get to Italy and stop Edward from showing himself in public, or else the Volturi (remember them?) will execute him. It's GO TIME.
Edward, who unfortunately is a part of this movie again, approaches the Volturi to ask them to rip him apart, burn the pieces, and scatter the ashes. Yes, that is how you kill a vampire in Twilight. Anything less and they can recover. Wouldn't want that.
Sadly, they decline. He has a mind reading power, and they find him far too useful to just exterminate like that. But of course, if he breaks the secrecy law, well, he'll have to go. Edward, with the grim determination of a seventeen year old loser who thinks he's a badass, sets his jaw and decides to bring about his own death... in a couple days. Giving Bella and Alice time to catch up. Serendipity, I tell you.
Bella and Alice arrive in Volterra, where there is a festival on. This festival commemorates the day that Volterra expelled all the vampires. (yup) My hometown of Coventry has a similar yearly festival to celebrate the time we slaughtered the Last Unicorn. They call it "CoventryFest" but the locals all know what's up.
Amidst this anti-vampire sentiment, Edward plans to expose himself publicly and earn a quick execution. Bella is distraught.
Bella reaches the clock tower where he's gonna pop out... but is she in time?
Guess not. Vampire Chest is loose, and there's no stopping it now. Why doesn't Alice do this too? Just saying. So Edward prepares to step into the sun...
Let me stop right here for a moment. As you may or may not be aware, Twilight Vampires do not burst into flame when they're touched by sunlight. They don't explode. They do not blister or even get a rash.
Twilight Vampires glitter.
Yeah you heard me. Glitter. Their skin has a crystalline structure, which is why they're cool to the touch, nearly invulnerable, extremely strong, and... they sparkle in direct sunlight.
I'm willing to go along with a lot of things. I'm a firm believer in creative license. But this... this is an atrocity. Meyer has successfully removed every single thing about traditional vampirism from her vampires, and still wants to call them vampires. These beings are not harmed by sunlight, crosses, holy water, silver, garlic, wooden stakes, or damn near anything. They do not eat humans. They do not even have fangs. Conversely, they are invulnerable to nearly all damage, ethereally beautiful, eternally youthful, and sparkle in the sun. These are fairies. Maybe even elves. But they are not vampires.
NONE of what defines a vampire applies to these creatures. I felt the need to point this out. Her werewolves can transform at will and retain their human personality, but at least they're still men who turn into wolves. The core concept is intact. Not so with her "vampires". This would be like writing a story about Dragons that are foot-long, furry, six legged Dachsunds with eyes on stalks that breathe marijuana smoke. Creative licence is one thing, but you can't just scramble together some oddities and slap a cherished label on something. Wanna do your own thing? Give it your own name.
Deep breath. Okay.
So Edward steps into the sun and glitters like a Lisa Frank pencil case, but nobody notices because they're all facing the same direction and it's not the Edward direction. Just before a little girl points him out, Bella manages to tackle-hug him back into the shadows. Crisis fucking averted. You can tell Bella's immense relief and happiness at seeing Edward alive by her expressive and nuanced facial expression.
Seriously. I could have taken 400 screencaps of her and she'd always have the same sickly expression on her face. It's infuriating. I understand why this is done (incidentally it's so the female viewers can imprint their own feelings and personality onto her blank slate and feel emotionally close to Edward) but it's so goddamn boring to watch.
Bella asks Edward why he said he didn't want to see her anymore, and his response will echo in the annals of Great Romance forever:
I think my heart just stopped. If any woman ever said that to me I would punch her in the teeth, and that's a promise. But Bella knows more about True Love than I do, I guess. What follows is several minutes of wooden, emotionless stage kissing. Yay.
Then some Volturi show up, demanding that Edward come downstairs and chat with Aro, the Lead Volturo. Edward refuses, but then Adorable Dakota Fannpire arrives, and everyone knows to just do what they're told.
You don't say no to that resume. Our band of merry pale douchebags heads down into the basement for the confrontation of their lives. Edward finds himself a bathrobe. All things considered, this is an improvement. We go down into the Lair of the Volturi and meet Aro, the scariest fucking person in the world.
Aro basically talks a lot of shit about Bella, saying that she can't remain human now that she's aware of the Vampire World. They play a weird, creepy game of Poke Bella, wherein all the powerful vampires assembled realize none of their special superpowers work on her. Aro can read memories, and Adorable Dakota Fannpire has a pretty effective Death Gaze.
And this guy has the power to look like Draco Malfoy after a decade of meth abuse.
Aro decides to kill Edward for some reason, I don't know and I don't care, I'm on board. Edward does his level best in the ensuing Fast Motion Blur Guess We Couldn't Afford To Teach Robert Pattinson Stage Fighting Battle, but he's defeated and nearly killed.
Just before Large Vampire twists Edward's head off, Bella screams and bitches that they should kill her instead. I really can't choose. They're both just... awful.
Aro is impressed at Bella's devotion to Edward, and decides to spare them as long as Bella eventually becomes a vampire. Alice, who sees the future, tells everyone that it's definitely going to happen, and soon. So no worries. They leave and do not interfere as the Volturi devour about three dozen tourists. Just a day in the life.
So they go back to Forks, even though the Cullens left Forks but I guess they're back now since Edward got his relationship shit together, and have a meeting in the Cullens' house to decide who'll turn Bella and when. They put it to a Vampire Vote, even though Alice has already seen the future and knows exactly what's going to happen and when. Never mind all that. We needed a dialog scene with character drama and we couldn't afford a New Cullen's House Set. This had to happen.
Edward drives Bella... somewhere, and they encounter a muscular roadblock.
Jacob makes them talk to him in the woods so they can look at the sunlight dappled on his smooth, tan flesh. He's heard that Bella intends to become a vampire, but he's got a warning. If any Cullen bites a human, the Truce is off, and THERE WILL BE WAR. Man, I get to type that a lot.
Oh and then Edward asks Bella to marry him and that's the end.
I say "asks". Let me explain. Edward remains on his feet, towering over Bella in the woods where he dumped her a year ago, and says that if she wants to be a vampire, she has to agree to one demand. And then he forcefully says "Marry me, Bella." And that's literally the end. Her answer is irrelevant. Credits.
This movie sucked so bad. You all owe me. Ten hours I've been doing this. Oh, and as if I wasn't angry enough, this is the last shot of the movie.
If I ever see that face again I'm going to puke.
If you enjoy my breakdowns, please leave a comment and let me know what you'd like to see next. Thanks for reading!
1 comment:
I hate the Twilight series too. But just to clarify so you can get your critique correct, they are not werewolves. They are shape-shifters. There is a difference. Look it up
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