Hate Watching: Twilight: New Moon

Hello and welcome to another edition of Exile's Hate Watching, where I'll be breaking down another laughably bad movie for you and hopefully sparing you the anxiety and depression of having to watch it yourself. I suffer for you people. Christ on the cross did not suffer the way I'm about to suffer, for the sake of my audience's amusement. That's right: it could only be Twilight: New Moon. A volume even more insipid and degrading than the first.

Abandon all hope. We are entering a lightless, frightening place. Nobody really survives Twilight... even if you're alive, you're changed. Part of you dies when you realize that this is considered the height of contemporary romantic drama by a multitude of the women we're going to marry.

I bring you, because I have a masochistic streak a mile wide, Twilight: New Moon.

Recap, for those of you who haven't been following the Twilight Saga: Twilight is the story of a teenage girl named Bella Swan who's recently moved to a crappy, rainy town called Forks. (yup.) In Forks, the sun almost never comes out, which makes it the ideal location for a clan of centuries-old vampires to hide amongst humanity. The Cullens are just such a clan: a family of beautiful young white people with golden eyes, perfect skin, and a unique hobby among vampires: Not Eating People.

Bella immediately falls in love with one of the younger (117 years old) vampires, Edward Cullen, and despite his constant puling admonitions to find someone else and forget about him, she remains steadfastly devoted. Eventually, during a game of Vampire Baseball, an actual People Eating Vampire shows up and decides he wants to kill Bella for absolutely no reason. (Seriously. He just decides he wants to kill her.)

There's a chase, a Vampire Fight, and the bad People Eating Vampire is killed. Bella decides she wants to become a vampire too. Edward likes her better as a human. They go to prom. The End. Now you know where we are.

Our story begins in a meadow full of flowers and trees and sunlight, where Bella encounters her ancient, papery grandmother and also Edward. She attempts to introduce them, but holy crap it's not her grandmother, it's her in a mirror!

Bella wakes up horrified. Dad arrives with birthday presents and says Happy Birthday, to which Bella replies, IM NOT OLD SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Dad, who Bella refers to as Charlie, because she's a bitch and a bad daughter, makes a joke that she's got a gray hair. Bella is, of course, horrified beyond anything resembling a normal response to an obvious joke.

You see, vampires do not age, but Bella does. She's concerned that her One True Love will be seventeen forever, even when she's falling apart at the extreme age of eighteen. Perhaps he won't want her. What if she waits even longer? Who would ever want a twenty-five year old woman? Nobody, that's who. Can you tell this was written by a Mormon yet?

Bella goes to school and shows off her camera, which is obviously not the same as product placement.

After a few minutes of pointless human socializing, Bella's One True Love arrives. Millions of young girls feel new and exciting tingles in unfamiliar places. Millions of middle aged women weep into their Lane Bryant blouses. Edward Cullen is on the scene.

Edward wishes her a happy birthday, which of course leads to another tantrum while we wrangle with Vampires Don't Age Drama. "What's happy about it? Waaaaaaaah." Why am I doing this to myself?

Just then, Shark Boy arrives! He sure does look Native American.

He's brought Bella an Authentic Native American Dreamcatcher for her birthday, which is good because I don't know if we would have been able to tell he was Native American without him juggling Mohegan Sun gift shop memorabilia in every scene. He flirts openly with Bella, while Edward does that passive aggressive boyfriend hover a few feet away. He's really insecure for a freakishly beautiful century-old morally superior vampire.

They go inside and meet Alice, another Cullen who has the unique Vampire Superpower to see the future. (All  vampires have a special unique Vampire Superpower. Edward, for instance, can read everybody's mind. Except Bella's. What he doesn't know is that you can't read a blank book.) Alice also has the power to ruin everything all the time. She tells Bella what her present is, and that it's clothes, and that she'll wear it to her surprise party tonight, but that it'll get ruined when Edward hurls her into a glass table. Bella rolls her eyes. Oh, Alice. You take all the surprise out of life.

Edward and Bella endure a school day, during which they sit next to each other in every class and have normal conversations at normal levels, rolling their eyes and acting put upon when a teacher has the gall to ask for their attention. Can't they see we're in LOVE? Apparently not.

Edward tells Bella that if he ever wanted to die, he'd just go show himself being all Hey Look I Am A Vampire to some people in public, and he'd be executed by the Volturi, who are extras from Falko's "Rock Me Amadeus" music video.

The Volturi live in Volterra, which is a city in Italy famous for being vampire-free. (Yup.) Their job is to kill vampires who violate their secrecy law. Fair enough. The process of killing a vampire is so needlessly complex and violent in Meyer's stories that a whole council of powerful, ancient vampires is neccesary to get the job done. Sorry Van Helsing, this isn't your show.

Bella is very concerned because the mate of the vampire the Cullen clan killed a few months ago (that random asshole who randomly decided to kill Bella for no reason whatsoever) is going to come after Edward for revenge. Such is vampire politics. Bella knows that if she was made into a vampire, she could protect Edward, because new vampires are significantly more powerful than vampires who've settled into their lifestyle. Edward kind of laughs in his douchey way and then Alice comes to bring them to Bella's not a Surprise Party.

Bella reluctantly opens her presents, complaining the whole time about her advanced age, until she nicks her finger on the edge of a hacky sack or something. The books make a big deal out of how clumsy and accident prone Bella is, probably so that the young girls reading this book while they drive can feel more like Bella when they crash their parent's Mercedes. Seriously everything about Bella just sucks. She has no redeeming qualities of any kind, and I'm not just saying that because I loathe these movies, Stephanie Meyer made her that way on purpose. So for this next scene, I'm actually rooting for Jasper.

Jasper, the youngest, hungriest vampire, totally loses his shit at the scent of blood and attempts to rush and eat Bella. (Side note: This gives Edward an awesome excuse to never spend any time with Bella during That Special Time Of The Month. Clever, clever.) Edward intervenes by HURLING BELLA INTO A TABLE before easily stopping Jasper in his tracks.

Did you catch that? Edward violently hurls Bella into a pile of glass, and then effortlessly prevents Jasper's attack. In other words, she could have just stood there and been perfectly fine, but instead Edward smashes her physically out of the way without regard for where she'll land.

Carlisle, the patriarch vampire doctor, stitches up Bella's lacerated arm in his office and sends her home. Bella, in a mood for some reason, performs the standard emotionally healthy ritual of removing herself from photos and taping them down so only Edward shows in the scrapbook.

The next day, she goes to school, and since it's sunny out, Edward takes the day off. Wouldn't want anyone to see him glittering. (More on that later.) No, Edward is busy rummaging through her room while she's not there. Standard normal boyfriend behavior. He seems deeply concerned by her scrapbooking. Maybe. That's kind of his "everything" face.

That afternoon, Edward takes Bella deep into the woods for some exposition. The Cullens are planning to leave Forks, since everyone is starting to notice that Edward has been a high school senior for seventy five years. Oh and he's not bringing Bella; actually he's breaking up with her.

Edward is concerned that he can't keep Bella safe, and that the only way she'll ever be safe is if he leaves her alone in the woods just before sunset even though there's a string of murders taking place in these exact woods. Her safety means everything to him. Okay see ya. And with a Vampire Blur Effect, he's gone.

Yes, that is Bella lying in a ditch in the forest in the middle of the night. Good looking out, Edward.

Eventually, a Native American (the Indian from the Village People, judging by his jean shorts and lack of a shirt) carries her out of the woods to her waiting father, who was worried about her safety even though he lets her hang out with a family who has a universally bad reputation as creepy and dangerous. I'm noticing a pattern here.

The next day, Bella sits in her bedroom window and doesn't move for three fucking months. Don't believe me?

Those are not my captions. The movie beat me to the joke. Bella does not go to school. Bella does not go to the mall. Bella sits and looks out the window for three months. Every night that she sleeps, she lets out the most horrifying, animalistic shrieks and screams I have ever heard in my life. That's not a joke either. I don't know what the director told Kristen Stewart, but it must have scared the shit out of her. These are the kinds of screams people make after they've seen Cthulhu.

Finally, Dad has had enough of the bloodcurdling feral howls and the moping for months at a stretch, and threatens to send Bella back to live at her mother's house. Apparently Mom is scarier than whatever cyclopean horrors are haunting Bella's nightmares, because she promises to get her shit together and claims she's going out tonight with her friend, Friend. (Names. Bah.)

While prowling the streets with Friend, Bella notices a bunch of guys sitting on motorcycles outside a shady bar. Well then. Sorry Friend, you're on your own tonight. Bella has a taste for danger.

She asks for a ride on the back of a random Burly Dude's motorcycle, so he takes her for a short cruise. When Bella starts to feel like she's gonna die, suddenly she has a vision of Edward!

He's in there. So now Bella has a plan: Place herself in mortal danger as often as possible, and her brain will hallucinate Edward telling her to be careful! Foolproof. I have to take a step back and wonder if Meyer knew just how incredibly selfish and twisted each and every one of her characters was when she was writing them. Probably not. Then again, I've read Breaking Dawn, and you haven't seen twisted until you've read Breaking Dawn. Croenenburgian body horror labeled as romance and beauty. It's glorious. But we'll get to that another time.

Bella purchases a couple of raggedy motorcycles with her lunch money (remember, she hasn't eaten since September) and brings them to Jacob's Native American Auto Garage. Despite her transparent desire for suicide, Jacob agrees to help her fix the crappy bikes.

She admits that it's stupid and reckless, but he wants to help her anyway. I'm sure he's worried about her safety. So he hauls the motorcycle off the truck by himself, leading Bella to comment that he's "buff" because people talk like that. They get to work on the bike. Bella turns off his radio because she "doesn't like... music... anymore." Jacob doesn't think there's anything strange about that statement.

A few other Native Americans drop by and make playful jabs about Jacob. Jacob wrestles with one playfully for a moment. He seems to go for the groin a lot, but maybe that's just Traditional Native American Roughhousing. The weeks pass, and together, Jacob fixes her deadly motorcycle while Bella watches and admires his sixteen year old physique. She starts wearing Native American Jewelry. This is so we can tell she is falling for the Native American. When she was falling for the vampire, she wore Band-Aids. Jacob, of course, is unaware of these budding feelings.

A few days later, bikes repaired, Bella and Jacob go for a drive and witness a horrific Traditional Native American Homoerotic Cliff Sacrifice. Outsiders aren't supposed to see these ceremonies, and Jacob promises not to tell.

Jacob complains that the local Native American gang has been pressuring him to join, and he feels like he has no choice in the matter. He just wants to live his life and not become part of the gang just because he's expected to. I think I know someone who can help.

They drive to a big open field to try out the Death Motorcycles. As Jacob instructs Bella on the proper way to safely operate a motorcycle, because he's Worried About Her Safety, she completely tunes out because she's having an Edward Hallucination. Cool. This must mean she's about to be in danger!

She takes off like a Bland out of Hell, zooming down the road on her Death Motorcycle. Flickery visions of Edward dance in the corners of her sight. Well... not dance. They sort of mope. And they don't really flicker so much as languish. But they're there.

Needless to say, she drives faster and faster until, to my delight, she crashes into a rock. My heart literally leapt into my throat - could it be over? So soon?

Unfortunately she survives with minimal injuries. Jacob suddenly realizes she's been intentionally putting herself in harm's way. Good job catching up, Jacob. Bella is bleeding from the head. (Where's Jasper when you need him?) Jacob offers his shirt as a bandage, and the ladies squeal. Damn, Shark Boy. You've filled out.

Bella feels totally awesome about this. It's a huge relief for her to be able to bleed in front of a guy without him trying to rip her throat out. That's got to be points for Team Jacob, considering how often Bella bleeds. (Surprisingly often.)

Bella goes back to school and is asked out by a stammering, pathetic human. She agrees because I don't know why.

They go out to a horrifically violent movie and for some reason Jacob tags along, to ShiaClone's great dismay. I'd be dismayed too. Shark Boy gets all the women. ShiaClone thinks the movie is way too hardcore and goes to vomit. Jacob thinks this makes him a pussy, so he steals Bella and calls ShiaClone a pussy.

Bella is starting to realize Jacob has kind of a violent streak. He was giggling a little too much when the people in the movie were being eviscerated. She can't find him for a few days, and when she does, he's undergone a startling transformation!

He's CUT HIS HAIR. And GOT A TATTOO. What on Earth could he be thinking?

You have to understand, these books were written by a Mormon woman who'd never actually read a vampire / werewolf story before writing Twilight. In her limited, inexperienced mind, a haircut and a medium sized tattoo are probably the height of rebellion, and a jarring physical change on par with plastic surgery or amputation. Bella seems ridiculously confused and startled by this simple shift in style because Bella's creator couldn't think of anything more shocking.

Jacob reveals that he knew the Cullens were vampires and he's sort of disgusted with Bella for dating one. He runs into the woods with the other shirtless Native Americans, after warning Bella, "Don't come back... or you're gonna get hurt." ShiaClone is starting to seem like a good alternative.

Bella then dreams about Edward a little and monologues.

She decides to go visit the meadow where she used to sit and stare at Edward for days at a time, but when she gets there, it's all brown and dead. Evidently vampires are good for the greenery too. And even worse, she realizes she's not alone. Rasta Vampire is there, too.

Rasta Vampire was friends with Random Asshole Vampire, and he's here to inform Bella that she gonna die. He's not gonna kill her... but Random Assholette Vampire is on the prowl, and she is none too pleased with Edward. Apparently, through a twist in Vampire Politics, Assholette is coming to kill Bella because she's Edward's mate (guess she didn't hear about the breakup) and Edward killed Asshole, who was Assholette's mate. Fair's fair.

Bella, sensing danger, begins to have Edward Hallucinations which give her advice on how best to handle the situation. Ladies and Gentlemen, Bella is officially insane. We had our suspicions but they've all come to pass. Rationality has gone out the window altogether.

Just then, Rasta Vampire changes his mind about not killing Bella because he's hungry and he wants a snack. I think I know why he's so hungry, and it's got nothing to do with Bella being delicious.

We've all been there, Rasta Vampire. Unfortunately, his snack is interrupted by a gigantic wolf.

Wolves emerge from the woods and attack Rasta Vampire, who runs away immediately. I don't know about you guys, but I don't think these are ordinary Clydesdale-sized wolves. Bella runs home and tells her dad that there are HUGE wolves in the woods. He responds by getting his huntin' buddies together. I think I'm on the same page as Bella's dad.

That night, Jacob sneaks into Bella's room, which I guess has a revolving door for supernatural creatures. Seriously it's like nobody is Worried For Her Safety. Even though everybody is. Jacob apologizes for being all aloof and assholish. And then he shows her his rockin' bod.

Incidentally, that tattoo was never mentioned in the books. It was made up for the films so that there'd be crap to sell. Which makes Bella's shock at Jacob's new look even more ridiculous; in the original novel, he only got a haircut, and not as severe of a haircut as in the film. Moving on, Jacob gets blueballed because Bella is saving herself for a dead guy who hasn't spoken to her in eight months.

The next morning, she finds Jacob sleeping on her porch because he was Worried For Her Safety. She goes to talk to his Native American Gang Friends, who are mad that he's been "telling her things" even though he hasn't. The lead Native American Gangster gets all fired up and starts talking shit, and Bella slaps him. So he does the rational thing and turns into a giant wolf.

It's all coming together now. The Werewolf Indian prepares to chase Bella, but then, like a Native American Spiderman, Jacob appears. Bella still hasn't made the connection because she is stupid, and tells Jacob to "Run! It's a giant wolf!"

And holy crap, what do you know, Jacob is a werewolf. Sorry, a "shapeshifter". According to the Twilight Wiki, real werewolves and shapeshifters are two different things, and shapeshifters just happen to turn into wolves. Don't ever accuse me of not doing my research.

That seems like a good place to take a break. I'll be returning to the fray in a couple hours. I just can't handle any more of Kristen Stewart's acting right now. See you next time!