Hate Watching: Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief

Tonight I am working a double shift, so I've decided to blatantly steal the format of one of my favorite bloggers and "hate watch" a crappy movie. Hopefully this will be funny and entertaining.

And so tonight we bring you the new hit film, "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief" which is in no way anything like the six existing Harry Potter films with indistinguishably similar titles.

The film opens with two good-looking guys meeting on top of the Empire State Building and discussing the weather. We discover that one of these fine gentlemen is Zeus, the Greek King of the Gods, and the other is Poseidon, God of the Sea. Zeus is experiencing a certain lack of thunder power lately. He expresses the same combination of frustration, anger, and displaced aggression as a man suffering from erectile dysfunction. I smell a metaphor.

Zeus believes his Bolt has been stolen, and he's decided the guilty party is Poseidon's son. Gods, it seems, are "Forbidden" from stealing each other's powers. I thought Zeus ran the show, but I guess even gods have to play by the rules for some reason. Takes all the fun out of being a god, if you ask me, but nobody did. Moving on, Zeus basically pronounces the doom of this as-yet-unidentified child if the Bolt doesn't find it's way back to him in two weeks, by the Summer Solstice.

OR THERE WILL BE WAR.

He then explodes the door into the Empire State Building Gift Shop. Gods don't wait to purchase snow globes.

We're then treated to a long, quiet, extremely uncomfortable shot of an androgynous young man at the bottom of a swimming pool. He's holding his breath quite comfortably for a very long time. Could he possibly be the aforementioned bastard offspring of the GOD OF THE SEA?

Seriously, uncomfortably long. I paused this movie in order to write that segment, and when I un-paused it, the shot continued unabated for another fifteen seconds, easily.

So our fae young man finally surfaces to greet his incredibly stereotypical black friend, waiting patiently with a towel for his master. We discover that Percy Jackson is A Beast and has been holding his breath for seven minutes. It felt longer to me. When asked by his googly-eyed friend how he does it, Percy responds, "I just like being in the water."

Black Friend is walking on crutches and Percy can hold his breath for seven minutes. Whatever stereotypes we're reinforcing, the athleticism of African Americans over whites is not one of them.

Today in English class, we have a substitute teacher. Immediately after introducing herself, she throws a line from Othello at the class and ignores several children who are raising their hands to pick on Percy Jackson. How does she know who Percy is? And why aren't the children fleeing from her in terror?

Percy stares at the blackboard, where the short quote rearranges itself creepily. Is Percy dyslexic? Is this the first sign of his latent Godly illiteracy?

Mom says it's dyslexia. Mom is the lady who deflowered Steve Carrell in The 40 Year Old Virgin. Percy also has the ADHD. This school was supposed to make things better. I think he's a Special Needs Half God.

Mom's boyfriend is the traitor from The Matrix and his manners haven't improved one bit.

Percy doesn't understand why Mom wants to stay with this irresponsible, smelly bastard. "He's been good to us, Percy... in ways you don't understand." I think we all know what she means.

Percy's field trip to the Met takes him, predictably, to the most shockingly accurate portrayal of Zeus ever crafted by human hands. I mean, look! Zeus is a dead ringer for Boromir!

The wheelchair-bound lecturer (because everyone who's not a God is disabled, okay movie, we get it now) explains the ancient myth that the Greek Gods would occasionally come to Earth in order to "hook up" with mortals and produce Demigod children. Percy knows this intimately, presumably having read about it. I guess his Greek Mythology textbook was written entirely in palindromes.

Percy has another dyslexic rearrangement attack that allows him to easily translate Greek letters. Turns out there was a legendary Demigod named... wait for it... Perseus!

The creepy substitute teacher who is for some reason on a field trip takes Percy into an empty room and teleports up onto a scaffold, where she turns into a horrific, bird-rat-monster creature. More of one, anyway. She accuses Percy of stealing the Bolt and starts carrying him around in a menacing fashion.

I warned you, children.

Luckily, the Cripple Brigade bursts through the door, and wheelchair lecturer commands the harpy to let Percy go. She immediately complies and smashes her way through a window.

Wheelchair man offers Percy a tiny sliver of something after hastily conferring with Crippled Black Friend.

Crippled Black Friend escorts Percy away from the Museum, explaining that he is Percy's protector and that he would gladly give his life to protect his beloved white friend. Percy graciously points out that CBF is in crutches and is therefore not much use as a protector.

See that guy with the easel? I played Hacky Sack with a guy from California on that exact spot once. Moving on, Percy and CBF rush to Percy's apartment and interrupt Cypher's Middle Of The Day Severely Alcoholic Poker Lunch.

Percy calls Cypher a bald freak and CBF breaks his testicles with his Protector Crutches. Then they leave with Percy's mom, with whom CBF is apparently on a first-name basis. While driving through the country and explaining that Percy's biological father was just as Special as Percy is, Mom's attention lapses and a cow carcass is hurled in front of the car. She flips her GT and they end up upside-down.

Crippled Black Friend turns out to be Partially Goat Black Friend. He looks just as alarmed by this as I am.

The ragtag group runs away from what appears to be a Minotaur. I'm really feeling the Greek love. Wait...

After running through the woods for approximately four seconds, they stumble across precisely the place they were driving to. In fact, the front entrance is in the woods, right where they were running from the Minotaur.

Maybe he's not even their enemy. He's just a Greek Mythology Valet. Seems like he got them where they needed to go. Percy's mom can't enter the safety of the Camp, and is snatched up by the Minotaur. Percy pulls out the mysterious item given to him by Wheelchair man, which turns out to be a sword, and prepares to battle the Minotaur and save his mother.

Oh well. Percy still decides to take a swing at the Minotaur, and manages to slay it with its own horn-chunk. That was suspiciously easy. Well, your mom is still powdered, but good job Percy.

We wake up the next morning and Percy is in a cot, attended to by Partially Goat Black Friend, who is dressed like a really gay Faun.

This is the Infirmary, where the many, many injured Campers go. It turns out PGBF is only a JUNIOR protector, and hasn't got his horns yet, and this is what prevented him from saving Percy's mom. Got it. PGBF  shows Percy around Camp Half-Blood and explains that this is where the many, many hybrid offspring of various supernatural beings go to escape their feelings of  abandonment. (Reading between the lines a little.) He explains that Percy's dyslexia is a result of his Demigod brain being "hardwired for ancient Greek" and that his ADHD is "warrior impulsiveness". I'm not sure, but this movie almost seems to be pandering to the kids in the back of the class. No dad? Don't like school? Can't sit still? That's because YOU ARE A GOD AMONG MEN.

PGBF shows Percy where he'll recieve Battle Training.

Evidently the Greeks never let go of fighting methods that are two and a half thousand years old. I have a hard time believing the omniscient Gods never figured out how to conjure up an AR-15, but for the sake of thematic flow we'll move past that. Percy then spots Romantic Lead, who is the daughter of Athena. He expresses confident interest and is laughed at by the very same person who just told him he was part God.

We then go running through the woods and who's waiting for us but Wheelchair Lecturer! Only with some slight modifications to his undercarriage.

Yup. Turns out all the crippled people in the world are actually part animal and they're just rocking the alternative locomotion to stay undercover. I don't know what to call this, but it certainly isn't pandering. It's the same sort of subtle offensiveness as Twilight's inference that all Native Americans are werewolves.

Although this does explain the hefty fines for parking in their spaces.

We find out that Percy is the son of Poseidon, and has his very own gazebo house and his very own humongous Trident. He takes this in stride.

We discover that Percy, as the son of Poseidon, is considered a threat by his uncles Zeus and Hades. Wait... didn't I see this movie a couple months ago?

Once again, it is spoon-fed to us that Zeus wants his big throbbing Bolt back soon, or THERE WILL BE WAR. And for no special reason, Zeus thinks Percy has the Bolt. Nobody thinks to ask. Or even shake the bastard down. Check his pockets. He'll understand.

We begin Hero Training, where Percy will learn how to be an Ancient Greek Demigod Warrior. The Blue Team says they'll take him, led by Douchebag Older Kid.

And so begins the training of a Hero!

First... CAPTURE THE FLAG. This will adequately prepare Percy for WAR. Since, you know, THERE WILL BE WAR. Percy and Douchebag split away from the group and head for the Red flag, and are ambushed by Red Team kids, who fight them with swords. Percy astounds himself with prodigious sword skills, and, oh yeah, KILLS A FELLOW CAMPER.

Hope his human parent signed the waiver.

Percy reaches the flag, only to be surprised and mercilessly sliced up by Romantic Lead.

Luckily, he collapses near a stream, and in his desperation, claws his way to the water. Which, because he is the son of Poseidon, magically heals his injuries.

Then he wins at Capture the Flag of The Gods. I think he's ready FOR WAR. That night, he is invited to a party by strangely dirty Demigod Sluts. I mean they are actually covered in filth. Oh and then the Devil shows up in the bonfire.

                                  

Everyone kind of panics, which bugs me. I thought these people were all the children of Gods. They party with centaurs and mermaids and that sort of rabble. Why should it be such a big deal if the fire acts up once in a while? Hades, the Bonfire Lord, explains to Percy that in return for the Bolt, he will restore Mom to life. Once again, it never occurs to him to ask Percy, hey, do you even have this Bolt? How'd you get it?

Nevermind all that. Bolt for Mom. Got it.

That night, everyone is in street clothes and PGBF has human legs again and Romantic Lead is preparing to run away with Percy because he's not "sticking to the Plan".

They don't know how to get to the Underworld (although it seems kind of obvious to me.) so they go and ask Douchebag, who is playing Playstation Of The Gods in his enormous private tent.

Douchebag, being the son of Hermes, happens to have a pair of his dad's Flying Converse Sneakers, and unquestioningly lends these priceless artifacts of the Messenger God to a guy he met this morning. What can I say? Percy plays a damn impressive game of Capture the Flag.

He also doles out a magical map that leads to rare and powerful transportation items, and his absolute favorite magic shield. This guy just doesn't care about his toys. Bet he wouldn't give them a turn on the Playstation, though.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione hop on a bus to - wait, shit. Hold on. Shaggy-haired white kid who's new to his world of wonder, awkward minority who's grown up in the world of wonder, prodigiously talented and experienced brunette who's hostile towards her inevitable romantic interest... sorry, I got a little lost for a second. (Yes, gingers are a minority. I knew you'd be complaining.)

Okay so they hop on a bus to Atlantic City. If there is a world of magic and wonder, Atlantic city is not a part of it. This movie is obviously fiction.

They reach their first destination, a garden supply store. It's deserted and filled with rats and decay. "Let's split up" is uttered, predictably. A black guy wanders off by himself. Is there a Writer's Guild rule that this has to occur in EVERY movie?

Oh hey guys, remember how there's statues everywhere? And remember how there are Greek monsters in this movie every five or six minutes?

Yup. Uma Thurman is Medusa. I knew this was no ordinary Garden Statue Surplus Dealership. Turns out Romantic Lead's mom is the one who made Medusa all snakey. Needless to say, there's a grudge going on.

Black Mamba x 25. Bad news. She encourages Random Unsuspecting Shopper to sneak a peek. Random skipped her Greek Mythology courses to smoke under the bleachers with the cool girls, so she sneaks a peek.

Percy flees the scene, periodically checking his iPhone because that's how you pay for movies like this. Ostensibly he's checking the reflection on the chrome back surface so he won't accidentally look at Medusa. We all know he's texting.

So Percy manages to slice her head off and we stand around deciding what to do with it. At this point I notice our cast consists of a white couple and a single black dude.

In five years they will be the cast of the Matrix. In ten years they will be a Disaronno commercial. Moving on, we have defeated the Boss Battle, and our reward is one of the three Pearls of Deus Ex Machina that will allow us to return easily from the Underworld!

Snatch!

This marks the halfway point in our adventure, and it's taken me almost five hours to watch an hour of this film. I underestimated the difficulty in mocking screenshots. I'll finish this abortion of a film later on. Thanks for reading!