Adrift at the Holidays

Two days from now, we here in the United States will be celebrating the holiday Thanksgiving. Wikipedia's entry on Thanksgiving begins thus:


Thanksgiving Day, known informally as "Turkey Day," is a harvest festival celebrated primarily in the United States and Canada. Thanksgiving was a holiday to express thankfulness, gratitude, and appreciation to God, family and friends for which all have been blessed of material possessions and relationships. Traditionally, it has been a time to give thanks for a bountiful harvest. This holiday has since moved away from its religious roots.


A harvest festival with vestigial religious overtones, basically. There's also an emphasis on family, being thankful for all that you have been given, etc. Cool.


In spirit, I can really get behind this. Of course I don't believe in God, and the idea of thanking anyone but myself for the food I bought with my money and prepared with my hands sort of chafes. I'm certainly grateful to the guys who pluck the turkeys, whoever they are. Buckled hats off to you, gentlemen, you make my holiday cooking a hell of a lot more pleasant. God is really only part of it, though. 


One is also supposed to be thankful for family. Again we have the term "thankful" as though there is someone I'm supposed to be thanking for the 'gift' of a family. And then of course there is the unfortunate reality of my family itself- my parents are divorced, (mother twice,) my three siblings living in two different places, my father hundreds of miles to the south. At various times, any or all of them may be estranged from any other, or myself. 


Our history is one of conflict, psychological torment, confusion, depression, and near-constant upheaval. My father is a good man, and I love my brother and sisters dearly, but at the end of the day it's hard to be especially "thankful" for my particular clan. It seems like we get along best when we're scattered across the country. My sister, for instance, recently commented on one of my Facebook statuses, which shouldn't be unusual or significant. For me, however, it was. We're just that kind of family.


And I suppose I must mention my mother. I'm going to her house next week for my youngest sister's birthday dinner and I'm already having the old nightmares in anticipation. I already feel bad for putting Vanessa through what I'm sure will be a week of moodiness and depression. I'm simply incapable of being around my mother, of hearing her voice, of interacting with her in any way, without becoming extremely uncomfortable and upset. I still haven't responded to her text message inviting me to that dinner, in fact, I just realized it.


I've gotten away from my original line of thought, but I guess it's all to say the same thing: What am I supposed to be thankful for? And to who?


My line of work is such that, as everyone I know gathers in warm places to feast and enjoy togetherness, I will be at work, alone, bored and cold, wondering if the Chinese celebrate Thanksgiving or not so I can order some General Tso's Chicken. (Do they?) A week or so from now, I'll be getting a slightly enhanced paycheck as a result of working on a holiday. But there's nowhere else I'd prefer to be.


In the company of my family? At church? The typical social structures have all more or less disappointed me. I could say it's my own fault. My Atheism is a personal conceit, a choice I made. And Matt and Hailee seem to be able to look past my mother's faults and enjoy themselves with her. So what's my problem?


I guess I just can't ignore what I know. There have been so many times I've been tempted to just say "fuck it" and go back to wishing there was a God. There have been even more times I've been tempted to give this family thing another pass. But I can't. I literally can't make myself forget what I've learned. I can't suspend disbelief. I can't trust her again. I want to so badly sometimes... but it's just not in me.


Maybe I'm just a sociopath. That's what mom says. I'm sure she'll have a revised list of my faults and fuckups on Wednesday, I'll have to bring a pen and pad to write them all down. Maybe we can get to the bottom of this.


In the meantime, here's me, adrift at the Holidays. All stressed up and nowhere to go.

Hate Watching: New Moon Part 2

I wish I believed in a God so I could beg for mercy from something. Unfortunately, I know that I am alone and cold in a vast, uncaring Universe, and that nothing will shield me from the unfathomable horror that is prolonged exposure to Twilight. I feel that I'm being flung through space, my mind stretched to the edge of all that is, peering into the dead and endless abyss beyond the stars, and I know that there is no hope.


So. Part one of my breakdown can be found here, if you haven't been keeping up. If you have, I congratulate you on your stamina. Let's get through this together. When we left off, Jacob had just revealed himself to be a Traditional Native American Werewolf, and was standing off against another werewolf to defend Bella. And Edward Cullen hasn't been in this film for almost forty minutes, that's kind of cool.


So there's a Werewolf Fight, which I'm getting pretty sick of. No more back-to-back werewolf movies.

They snarl and bite and scratch and totally ruin a canoe. Amidst the bestial horror of the situation, witnessing her friend become a gigantic, fearsome animal and immediately risk death fighting a similar monster, witnessing the horrendous violence of two beasts rampaging only meters away, Bella displays great depth of emotion.

The other Native American Werewolf Gang Members (these titles are getting tedious) bring Bella back to their den so they can wait for Jacob and Wolfgang Leader to come back once they're done murdering each other. Apparently this is common. The Wolf Den is nice and rustic. It seems like the kind of place a group of young men would go when they just want to get away from it all. And have chesthair-gripping gay sex. You know, a nice quiet retreat. They invite Bella inside without being creepy at all.

Bella goes inside, where she meets Wolfgang Leader's "Mate", who I'll call Gashface. Gashface upset Wolfgang Leader one time, so he mangled her face. She stuck with him, because it was her own fault for not having his grapefruit juice ready when he was done bench-pressing paint cans. She knows he likes his grapefruit juice. She should have known better.

If there was any doubt in my mind that this book was written by a person indoctrinated in an oppressively misogynistic religious philosophy, it's been quashed by the sight of Gashface. It's not all bad, though. Gashface makes excellent muffins. Because if she doesn't...


When Jacob returns, Bella goes for a walk on the beach with him and discusses his werewolfy nature. Apparently if vampires move in anywhere near Native Americans, the young men of the tribe begin turning into werewolves to counter the threat. (yup)

Ready for some more heavy-handed homosexuality metaphors? Jacob utters this line, and I quote: "It's not a lifestyle choice, Bella. I was born this way. I can't help it." And with the standard religiously homophobic response ready to fly like a crossbow bolt, Bella responds "It's not what you ARE, it's what you DO."


I'll get off my soapbox now. 


It turns out that werewolves are designed to do one thing: Kill Vampires. Oh good. Automatic drama. The local Vampires (the Cullens) have a treaty with the werewolves to not bite any humans, but any other vampires are fair game. Rasta Vampire? Dead. And best of all, Assholette has been sighted, and the werewolves are hot on her trail.

Good. Great. Bella goes home and mopes. I need to point out that when she daydreams about Edward, she also daydreams HIS VOLVO. 

I feel like I'm taking crazy pills. Product placement is rarely subtle, but this is just stupid. So ten seconds later, Assholette is on the prowl, and she's hunting Charlie and his Indian Guide while they're out looking for signs of these giant wolves. Luckily, a wolf I'm pretty sure is Jacob turns up to battle her.

Unfortunately, she's just as fast as Bella warned them she would be, and she escapes without a scratch into the sea. Oh well. The damage is done; Charlie's Indian Guide dies of a heart attack after being frightened by her.


Meanwhile, Bella obeys her insanity and leaps off a cliff, talking to "Edward" the whole time. Evidently she's still on her risky behavior kick. 

And with much triumphant music, she leaps off the cliff. The landing is easy, and she comes up all smiles, but then, what do you know, she gets crushed by several large waves in a row. All of a sudden she sees Assholette swimming towards her, because this is a hilariously convenient time to be cliff jumping, and in her panic she whacks her head on a rock. Edward Hallucination shows up, probably to laugh at her.

But that ubiquitous (read: Stalker) werewolf shows up just in time to save her. Of course. And he has to do CPR, even though it involves touching yucky woman boobs. What a hero.

Jacob drives Bella home and they have an awkward sort of romantic moment thing, but then Jacob smells a vampire! In Bella's house! Just look at the expression of rage and fear on her face.

They go inside to confront this dark being, and it's just Alice. After Alice ruins the endings to six TV shows, she explains that she had a vision of Bella leaping off a cliff for no reason and thought that she'd committed suicide. Bella explains that it was just recreational cliff diving.

Yeah all the kids are doing it. Had nothing whatsoever to do with my desire to hallucinate Edward by putting my life at risk. Duh. Bella and Alice catch up for a few minutes, until Jacob comes bursting in because he was Worried About Her Safety. Apparently Alice's psychic powers get all blurred if there are supernatural beings involved, which is why she didn't see Bella come out of the water. A werewolf pulled her out. I'll go with that.


Bella and Jacob almost-kiss in the kitchen, but the phone rings. Jacob answers and replies "Charlie's not here right now. He's arranging a funeral". Obviously he's referring to the Indian Guide. And he hangs up. Not a big deal right?


WRONG. Because guess who it was that called?

Aw. Now Edward thinks Bella is dead. Which sucks because he's in Rio, and he could have had a really great night. Anyway, back in Forks (yup) Alice comes gliding in and claims Edward is gonna kill himself because he now believes Bella is dead. Why would he suddenly have that idea hey waaiiiiiiit a second... What the hell, Jacob?


So now we're mad at Jacob and we've gotta hurry up and get to Italy and stop Edward from showing himself in public, or else the Volturi (remember them?) will execute him. It's GO TIME.


Edward, who unfortunately is a part of this movie again, approaches the Volturi to ask them to rip him apart, burn the pieces, and scatter the ashes. Yes, that is how you kill a vampire in Twilight. Anything less and they can recover. Wouldn't want that.

Sadly, they decline. He has a mind reading power, and they find him far too useful to just exterminate like that. But of course, if he breaks the secrecy law, well, he'll have to go. Edward, with the grim determination of a seventeen year old loser who thinks he's a badass, sets his jaw and decides to bring about his own death... in a couple days. Giving Bella and Alice time to catch up. Serendipity, I tell you.


Bella and Alice arrive in Volterra, where there is a festival on. This festival commemorates the day that Volterra expelled all the vampires. (yup) My hometown of Coventry has a similar yearly festival to celebrate the time we slaughtered the Last Unicorn. They call it "CoventryFest" but the locals all know what's up.

Amidst this anti-vampire sentiment, Edward plans to expose himself publicly and earn a quick execution. Bella is distraught.

Bella reaches the clock tower where he's gonna pop out... but is she in time?

Guess not. Vampire Chest is loose, and there's no stopping it now. Why doesn't Alice do this too? Just saying. So Edward prepares to step into the sun...


Let me stop right here for a moment. As you may or may not be aware, Twilight Vampires do not burst into flame when they're touched by sunlight. They don't explode. They do not blister or even get a rash. 


Twilight Vampires glitter.

Yeah you heard me. Glitter. Their skin has a crystalline structure, which is why they're cool to the touch, nearly invulnerable, extremely strong, and... they sparkle in direct sunlight. 


I'm willing to go along with a lot of things. I'm a firm believer in creative license. But this... this is an atrocity. Meyer has successfully removed every single thing about traditional vampirism from her vampires, and still wants to call them vampires. These beings are not harmed by sunlight, crosses, holy water, silver, garlic, wooden stakes, or damn near anything. They do not eat humans. They do not even have fangs. Conversely, they are invulnerable to nearly all damage, ethereally beautiful, eternally youthful, and sparkle in the sun. These are fairies. Maybe even elves. But they are not vampires. 


NONE of what defines a vampire applies to these creatures. I felt the need to point this out. Her werewolves can transform at will and retain their human personality, but at least they're still men who turn into wolves. The core concept is intact. Not so with her "vampires". This would be like writing a story about Dragons that are foot-long, furry, six legged Dachsunds with eyes on stalks that breathe marijuana smoke. Creative licence is one thing, but you can't just scramble together some oddities and slap a cherished label on something. Wanna do your own thing? Give it your own name.


Deep breath. Okay. 


So Edward steps into the sun and glitters like a Lisa Frank pencil case, but nobody notices because they're all facing the same direction and it's not the Edward direction. Just before a little girl points him out, Bella manages to tackle-hug him back into the shadows. Crisis fucking averted. You can tell Bella's immense relief and happiness at seeing Edward alive by her expressive and nuanced facial expression.

Seriously. I could have taken 400 screencaps of her and she'd always have the same sickly expression on her face. It's infuriating. I understand why this is done (incidentally it's so the female viewers can imprint their own feelings and personality onto her blank slate and feel emotionally close to Edward) but it's so goddamn boring to watch. 


Bella asks Edward why he said he didn't want to see her anymore, and his response will echo in the annals of Great Romance forever:

I think my heart just stopped. If any woman ever said that to me I would punch her in the teeth, and that's a promise. But Bella knows more about True Love than I do, I guess. What follows is several minutes of wooden, emotionless stage kissing. Yay.


Then some Volturi show up, demanding that Edward come downstairs and chat with Aro, the Lead Volturo. Edward refuses, but then Adorable Dakota Fannpire arrives, and everyone knows to just do what they're told.

You don't say no to that resume. Our band of merry pale douchebags heads down into the basement for the confrontation of their lives. Edward finds himself a bathrobe. All things considered, this is an improvement. We go down into the Lair of the Volturi and meet Aro, the scariest fucking person in the world.

Aro basically talks a lot of shit about Bella, saying that she can't remain human now that she's aware of the Vampire World. They play a weird, creepy game of Poke Bella, wherein  all the powerful vampires assembled realize none of their special superpowers work on her. Aro can read memories, and Adorable Dakota Fannpire has a pretty effective Death Gaze. 

And this guy has the power to look like Draco Malfoy after a decade of meth abuse.

Aro decides to kill Edward for some reason, I don't know and I don't care, I'm on board. Edward does his level best in the ensuing Fast Motion Blur Guess We Couldn't Afford To Teach Robert Pattinson Stage Fighting Battle, but he's defeated and nearly killed. 

Just before Large Vampire twists Edward's head off, Bella screams and bitches that they should kill her instead. I really can't choose. They're both just... awful.

Aro is impressed at Bella's devotion to Edward, and decides to spare them as long as Bella eventually becomes a vampire. Alice, who sees the future, tells everyone that it's definitely going to happen, and soon. So no worries. They leave and do not interfere as the Volturi devour about three dozen tourists. Just a day in the life.


So they go back to Forks, even though the Cullens left Forks but I guess they're back now since Edward got his relationship shit together, and have a meeting in the Cullens' house to decide who'll turn Bella and when. They put it to a Vampire Vote, even though Alice has already seen the future and knows exactly what's going to happen and when. Never mind all that. We needed a dialog scene with character drama and we couldn't afford a New Cullen's House Set. This had to happen.

Edward drives Bella... somewhere, and they encounter a muscular roadblock.

Jacob makes them talk to him in the woods so they can look at the sunlight dappled on his smooth, tan flesh. He's heard that Bella intends to become a vampire, but he's got a warning. If any Cullen bites a human, the Truce is off, and THERE WILL BE WAR. Man, I get to type that a lot.


Oh and then Edward asks Bella to marry him and that's the end.


I say "asks". Let me explain. Edward remains on his feet, towering over Bella in the woods where he dumped her a year ago, and says that if she wants to be a vampire, she has to agree to one demand. And then he forcefully says "Marry me, Bella." And that's literally the end. Her answer is irrelevant. Credits.


This movie sucked so bad. You all owe me. Ten hours I've been doing this. Oh, and as if I wasn't angry enough, this is the last shot of the movie.

If I ever see that face again I'm going to puke.

Hate Watching: Twilight: New Moon

Hello and welcome to another edition of Exile's Hate Watching, where I'll be breaking down another laughably bad movie for you and hopefully sparing you the anxiety and depression of having to watch it yourself. I suffer for you people. Christ on the cross did not suffer the way I'm about to suffer, for the sake of my audience's amusement. That's right: it could only be Twilight: New Moon. A volume even more insipid and degrading than the first.

Abandon all hope. We are entering a lightless, frightening place. Nobody really survives Twilight... even if you're alive, you're changed. Part of you dies when you realize that this is considered the height of contemporary romantic drama by a multitude of the women we're going to marry.

I bring you, because I have a masochistic streak a mile wide, Twilight: New Moon.

Recap, for those of you who haven't been following the Twilight Saga: Twilight is the story of a teenage girl named Bella Swan who's recently moved to a crappy, rainy town called Forks. (yup.) In Forks, the sun almost never comes out, which makes it the ideal location for a clan of centuries-old vampires to hide amongst humanity. The Cullens are just such a clan: a family of beautiful young white people with golden eyes, perfect skin, and a unique hobby among vampires: Not Eating People.

Bella immediately falls in love with one of the younger (117 years old) vampires, Edward Cullen, and despite his constant puling admonitions to find someone else and forget about him, she remains steadfastly devoted. Eventually, during a game of Vampire Baseball, an actual People Eating Vampire shows up and decides he wants to kill Bella for absolutely no reason. (Seriously. He just decides he wants to kill her.)

There's a chase, a Vampire Fight, and the bad People Eating Vampire is killed. Bella decides she wants to become a vampire too. Edward likes her better as a human. They go to prom. The End. Now you know where we are.

Our story begins in a meadow full of flowers and trees and sunlight, where Bella encounters her ancient, papery grandmother and also Edward. She attempts to introduce them, but holy crap it's not her grandmother, it's her in a mirror!

Bella wakes up horrified. Dad arrives with birthday presents and says Happy Birthday, to which Bella replies, IM NOT OLD SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP. Dad, who Bella refers to as Charlie, because she's a bitch and a bad daughter, makes a joke that she's got a gray hair. Bella is, of course, horrified beyond anything resembling a normal response to an obvious joke.

You see, vampires do not age, but Bella does. She's concerned that her One True Love will be seventeen forever, even when she's falling apart at the extreme age of eighteen. Perhaps he won't want her. What if she waits even longer? Who would ever want a twenty-five year old woman? Nobody, that's who. Can you tell this was written by a Mormon yet?

Bella goes to school and shows off her camera, which is obviously not the same as product placement.

After a few minutes of pointless human socializing, Bella's One True Love arrives. Millions of young girls feel new and exciting tingles in unfamiliar places. Millions of middle aged women weep into their Lane Bryant blouses. Edward Cullen is on the scene.

Edward wishes her a happy birthday, which of course leads to another tantrum while we wrangle with Vampires Don't Age Drama. "What's happy about it? Waaaaaaaah." Why am I doing this to myself?

Just then, Shark Boy arrives! He sure does look Native American.

He's brought Bella an Authentic Native American Dreamcatcher for her birthday, which is good because I don't know if we would have been able to tell he was Native American without him juggling Mohegan Sun gift shop memorabilia in every scene. He flirts openly with Bella, while Edward does that passive aggressive boyfriend hover a few feet away. He's really insecure for a freakishly beautiful century-old morally superior vampire.

They go inside and meet Alice, another Cullen who has the unique Vampire Superpower to see the future. (All  vampires have a special unique Vampire Superpower. Edward, for instance, can read everybody's mind. Except Bella's. What he doesn't know is that you can't read a blank book.) Alice also has the power to ruin everything all the time. She tells Bella what her present is, and that it's clothes, and that she'll wear it to her surprise party tonight, but that it'll get ruined when Edward hurls her into a glass table. Bella rolls her eyes. Oh, Alice. You take all the surprise out of life.

Edward and Bella endure a school day, during which they sit next to each other in every class and have normal conversations at normal levels, rolling their eyes and acting put upon when a teacher has the gall to ask for their attention. Can't they see we're in LOVE? Apparently not.

Edward tells Bella that if he ever wanted to die, he'd just go show himself being all Hey Look I Am A Vampire to some people in public, and he'd be executed by the Volturi, who are extras from Falko's "Rock Me Amadeus" music video.

The Volturi live in Volterra, which is a city in Italy famous for being vampire-free. (Yup.) Their job is to kill vampires who violate their secrecy law. Fair enough. The process of killing a vampire is so needlessly complex and violent in Meyer's stories that a whole council of powerful, ancient vampires is neccesary to get the job done. Sorry Van Helsing, this isn't your show.

Bella is very concerned because the mate of the vampire the Cullen clan killed a few months ago (that random asshole who randomly decided to kill Bella for no reason whatsoever) is going to come after Edward for revenge. Such is vampire politics. Bella knows that if she was made into a vampire, she could protect Edward, because new vampires are significantly more powerful than vampires who've settled into their lifestyle. Edward kind of laughs in his douchey way and then Alice comes to bring them to Bella's not a Surprise Party.

Bella reluctantly opens her presents, complaining the whole time about her advanced age, until she nicks her finger on the edge of a hacky sack or something. The books make a big deal out of how clumsy and accident prone Bella is, probably so that the young girls reading this book while they drive can feel more like Bella when they crash their parent's Mercedes. Seriously everything about Bella just sucks. She has no redeeming qualities of any kind, and I'm not just saying that because I loathe these movies, Stephanie Meyer made her that way on purpose. So for this next scene, I'm actually rooting for Jasper.

Jasper, the youngest, hungriest vampire, totally loses his shit at the scent of blood and attempts to rush and eat Bella. (Side note: This gives Edward an awesome excuse to never spend any time with Bella during That Special Time Of The Month. Clever, clever.) Edward intervenes by HURLING BELLA INTO A TABLE before easily stopping Jasper in his tracks.

Did you catch that? Edward violently hurls Bella into a pile of glass, and then effortlessly prevents Jasper's attack. In other words, she could have just stood there and been perfectly fine, but instead Edward smashes her physically out of the way without regard for where she'll land.

Carlisle, the patriarch vampire doctor, stitches up Bella's lacerated arm in his office and sends her home. Bella, in a mood for some reason, performs the standard emotionally healthy ritual of removing herself from photos and taping them down so only Edward shows in the scrapbook.

The next day, she goes to school, and since it's sunny out, Edward takes the day off. Wouldn't want anyone to see him glittering. (More on that later.) No, Edward is busy rummaging through her room while she's not there. Standard normal boyfriend behavior. He seems deeply concerned by her scrapbooking. Maybe. That's kind of his "everything" face.

That afternoon, Edward takes Bella deep into the woods for some exposition. The Cullens are planning to leave Forks, since everyone is starting to notice that Edward has been a high school senior for seventy five years. Oh and he's not bringing Bella; actually he's breaking up with her.

Edward is concerned that he can't keep Bella safe, and that the only way she'll ever be safe is if he leaves her alone in the woods just before sunset even though there's a string of murders taking place in these exact woods. Her safety means everything to him. Okay see ya. And with a Vampire Blur Effect, he's gone.

Yes, that is Bella lying in a ditch in the forest in the middle of the night. Good looking out, Edward.

Eventually, a Native American (the Indian from the Village People, judging by his jean shorts and lack of a shirt) carries her out of the woods to her waiting father, who was worried about her safety even though he lets her hang out with a family who has a universally bad reputation as creepy and dangerous. I'm noticing a pattern here.

The next day, Bella sits in her bedroom window and doesn't move for three fucking months. Don't believe me?

Those are not my captions. The movie beat me to the joke. Bella does not go to school. Bella does not go to the mall. Bella sits and looks out the window for three months. Every night that she sleeps, she lets out the most horrifying, animalistic shrieks and screams I have ever heard in my life. That's not a joke either. I don't know what the director told Kristen Stewart, but it must have scared the shit out of her. These are the kinds of screams people make after they've seen Cthulhu.

Finally, Dad has had enough of the bloodcurdling feral howls and the moping for months at a stretch, and threatens to send Bella back to live at her mother's house. Apparently Mom is scarier than whatever cyclopean horrors are haunting Bella's nightmares, because she promises to get her shit together and claims she's going out tonight with her friend, Friend. (Names. Bah.)

While prowling the streets with Friend, Bella notices a bunch of guys sitting on motorcycles outside a shady bar. Well then. Sorry Friend, you're on your own tonight. Bella has a taste for danger.

She asks for a ride on the back of a random Burly Dude's motorcycle, so he takes her for a short cruise. When Bella starts to feel like she's gonna die, suddenly she has a vision of Edward!

He's in there. So now Bella has a plan: Place herself in mortal danger as often as possible, and her brain will hallucinate Edward telling her to be careful! Foolproof. I have to take a step back and wonder if Meyer knew just how incredibly selfish and twisted each and every one of her characters was when she was writing them. Probably not. Then again, I've read Breaking Dawn, and you haven't seen twisted until you've read Breaking Dawn. Croenenburgian body horror labeled as romance and beauty. It's glorious. But we'll get to that another time.

Bella purchases a couple of raggedy motorcycles with her lunch money (remember, she hasn't eaten since September) and brings them to Jacob's Native American Auto Garage. Despite her transparent desire for suicide, Jacob agrees to help her fix the crappy bikes.

She admits that it's stupid and reckless, but he wants to help her anyway. I'm sure he's worried about her safety. So he hauls the motorcycle off the truck by himself, leading Bella to comment that he's "buff" because people talk like that. They get to work on the bike. Bella turns off his radio because she "doesn't like... music... anymore." Jacob doesn't think there's anything strange about that statement.

A few other Native Americans drop by and make playful jabs about Jacob. Jacob wrestles with one playfully for a moment. He seems to go for the groin a lot, but maybe that's just Traditional Native American Roughhousing. The weeks pass, and together, Jacob fixes her deadly motorcycle while Bella watches and admires his sixteen year old physique. She starts wearing Native American Jewelry. This is so we can tell she is falling for the Native American. When she was falling for the vampire, she wore Band-Aids. Jacob, of course, is unaware of these budding feelings.

A few days later, bikes repaired, Bella and Jacob go for a drive and witness a horrific Traditional Native American Homoerotic Cliff Sacrifice. Outsiders aren't supposed to see these ceremonies, and Jacob promises not to tell.

Jacob complains that the local Native American gang has been pressuring him to join, and he feels like he has no choice in the matter. He just wants to live his life and not become part of the gang just because he's expected to. I think I know someone who can help.

They drive to a big open field to try out the Death Motorcycles. As Jacob instructs Bella on the proper way to safely operate a motorcycle, because he's Worried About Her Safety, she completely tunes out because she's having an Edward Hallucination. Cool. This must mean she's about to be in danger!

She takes off like a Bland out of Hell, zooming down the road on her Death Motorcycle. Flickery visions of Edward dance in the corners of her sight. Well... not dance. They sort of mope. And they don't really flicker so much as languish. But they're there.

Needless to say, she drives faster and faster until, to my delight, she crashes into a rock. My heart literally leapt into my throat - could it be over? So soon?

Unfortunately she survives with minimal injuries. Jacob suddenly realizes she's been intentionally putting herself in harm's way. Good job catching up, Jacob. Bella is bleeding from the head. (Where's Jasper when you need him?) Jacob offers his shirt as a bandage, and the ladies squeal. Damn, Shark Boy. You've filled out.

Bella feels totally awesome about this. It's a huge relief for her to be able to bleed in front of a guy without him trying to rip her throat out. That's got to be points for Team Jacob, considering how often Bella bleeds. (Surprisingly often.)

Bella goes back to school and is asked out by a stammering, pathetic human. She agrees because I don't know why.

They go out to a horrifically violent movie and for some reason Jacob tags along, to ShiaClone's great dismay. I'd be dismayed too. Shark Boy gets all the women. ShiaClone thinks the movie is way too hardcore and goes to vomit. Jacob thinks this makes him a pussy, so he steals Bella and calls ShiaClone a pussy.

Bella is starting to realize Jacob has kind of a violent streak. He was giggling a little too much when the people in the movie were being eviscerated. She can't find him for a few days, and when she does, he's undergone a startling transformation!

He's CUT HIS HAIR. And GOT A TATTOO. What on Earth could he be thinking?

You have to understand, these books were written by a Mormon woman who'd never actually read a vampire / werewolf story before writing Twilight. In her limited, inexperienced mind, a haircut and a medium sized tattoo are probably the height of rebellion, and a jarring physical change on par with plastic surgery or amputation. Bella seems ridiculously confused and startled by this simple shift in style because Bella's creator couldn't think of anything more shocking.

Jacob reveals that he knew the Cullens were vampires and he's sort of disgusted with Bella for dating one. He runs into the woods with the other shirtless Native Americans, after warning Bella, "Don't come back... or you're gonna get hurt." ShiaClone is starting to seem like a good alternative.

Bella then dreams about Edward a little and monologues.

She decides to go visit the meadow where she used to sit and stare at Edward for days at a time, but when she gets there, it's all brown and dead. Evidently vampires are good for the greenery too. And even worse, she realizes she's not alone. Rasta Vampire is there, too.

Rasta Vampire was friends with Random Asshole Vampire, and he's here to inform Bella that she gonna die. He's not gonna kill her... but Random Assholette Vampire is on the prowl, and she is none too pleased with Edward. Apparently, through a twist in Vampire Politics, Assholette is coming to kill Bella because she's Edward's mate (guess she didn't hear about the breakup) and Edward killed Asshole, who was Assholette's mate. Fair's fair.

Bella, sensing danger, begins to have Edward Hallucinations which give her advice on how best to handle the situation. Ladies and Gentlemen, Bella is officially insane. We had our suspicions but they've all come to pass. Rationality has gone out the window altogether.

Just then, Rasta Vampire changes his mind about not killing Bella because he's hungry and he wants a snack. I think I know why he's so hungry, and it's got nothing to do with Bella being delicious.

We've all been there, Rasta Vampire. Unfortunately, his snack is interrupted by a gigantic wolf.

Wolves emerge from the woods and attack Rasta Vampire, who runs away immediately. I don't know about you guys, but I don't think these are ordinary Clydesdale-sized wolves. Bella runs home and tells her dad that there are HUGE wolves in the woods. He responds by getting his huntin' buddies together. I think I'm on the same page as Bella's dad.

That night, Jacob sneaks into Bella's room, which I guess has a revolving door for supernatural creatures. Seriously it's like nobody is Worried For Her Safety. Even though everybody is. Jacob apologizes for being all aloof and assholish. And then he shows her his rockin' bod.

Incidentally, that tattoo was never mentioned in the books. It was made up for the films so that there'd be crap to sell. Which makes Bella's shock at Jacob's new look even more ridiculous; in the original novel, he only got a haircut, and not as severe of a haircut as in the film. Moving on, Jacob gets blueballed because Bella is saving herself for a dead guy who hasn't spoken to her in eight months.

The next morning, she finds Jacob sleeping on her porch because he was Worried For Her Safety. She goes to talk to his Native American Gang Friends, who are mad that he's been "telling her things" even though he hasn't. The lead Native American Gangster gets all fired up and starts talking shit, and Bella slaps him. So he does the rational thing and turns into a giant wolf.

It's all coming together now. The Werewolf Indian prepares to chase Bella, but then, like a Native American Spiderman, Jacob appears. Bella still hasn't made the connection because she is stupid, and tells Jacob to "Run! It's a giant wolf!"

And holy crap, what do you know, Jacob is a werewolf. Sorry, a "shapeshifter". According to the Twilight Wiki, real werewolves and shapeshifters are two different things, and shapeshifters just happen to turn into wolves. Don't ever accuse me of not doing my research.

That seems like a good place to take a break. I'll be returning to the fray in a couple hours. I just can't handle any more of Kristen Stewart's acting right now. See you next time!