Hate Watching: Percy Jackson Part Two

Welcome back! If you haven't already, check out Part 1 of this epic tale of disdain for cultural phenomena at http://gregtheexile.blogspot.com/2010/06/hate-watching-percy-jackson-and.html and catch up with the rest of us.

As a refresher, what I'm doing is trying my hand at the hilarious breakdown format of www.videogum.com by mocking Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief. I started this as a project to get myself through a long double shift at work, (I was not very busy.) and after it took me five hours to watch half a movie, I realized a new respect for my favorite hate-watcher. For an example of some of Gabe's finest work, the series finale of LOST, check out http://videogum.com/184161/lost-s06e18-series-finale/tv/recaps/ . And now, unapologetic creative theft!

Our heroic trio has defeated the Medusa and collected one of the three magic travel pearls, and now the map tells them they need to go to Nashville. Partially Goat Black Friend scowls and complains, because even half a black character must express great disdain for country music. The goat half has nothing to say. While driving, PGBF begins to fall asleep while listening to the hated country music, because he hasn't got any Partially Goat Hip Hop Mp3s. At the last moment, he swerves out of the path of an oncoming truck and the trio decides to get a motel room.

We stop at a motel and luckily, they have an extremely clean pool! This shot was too good to only use once.

Percy spends a little time beneath the heavily chlorinated waves and thinks about his mom. When he surfaces, Romantic Lead is sitting beside the pool and looking all expositiony. Her wrist is all banged up from the Medusa fight, so Percy uses the pool water (which has got to be nearly all piss) and heals her wound. Romantic Lead explains that her mom doesn't like Percy's dad because they both wanted to be the ruler of a city that is now globally irrelevant, and that gods aren't allowed to visit their half-human kids just because. Why do gods have to follow so many rules? Partially Goat Black Friend calls them back inside.

Evidently Cypher has recovered from his critical testicle injuries and has called out Percy on national television, because minor domestic disputes in Manhattan are always broadcast during prime news hours in Nashville. Percy realizes he's a fugitive now. Um, no Percy. Your friend kicked your stepdad in the nuts. Maybe it's different in the book. Meanwhile, PGBF eats a can because goats eat cans and he's half a goat. This character is an Uncle Tom for goats, too. Fulfill our expectations more, Goat Boy.

PGBF is playing with Medusa's head, which is in the bathroom sink for some reason, and the latina maid looks in through the window and screams at the sight of Uma Thurman. Now we have to leave, you guys. Percy got no rest at all. Way to go, PGBF.

We drive all night to the Parthenon, a park in Nashville with a perfect copy of the Greek Parthenon that's in Greece. I would never have thought to look for Greek Mythology Items at a place that is deliberately evocative of Greek Mythology. Clever spot to hide a Magic Pearl. The Pearl is hidden on the front of the ornate golden crown worn by the forty-foot marble statue that dominates the back of the extremely popular tourist attraction. Wait so it's not hidden at all. Fair enough. But as Romantic Lead points out in a tone of defeat, it's really high up you guys, now what are we gonna do?

That night, our heroes come back to sneak in but are stymied by a pack of janitors. Romantic Lead does the humane thing and kills them all with arrows.

"No you guys, don't freak out, they're just Tranquilizer Arrows." Oh really? Good thing you didn't knock anyone off any tall ladders or anything.

So now our heroes have to reach the Pearl which is really high up, you guys. But wait! I almost forgot about Magic Converse of The Gods!

Percy flies up and snatches the Pearl. All right! Time to go! But oh no, janitors. And they're so mad, they could just melt together into a horrific five-headed Janitor Hydra.

Has this platoon of Hydra Janitors always worked here? Romantic Lead should have used the real arrows, I guess. So now we fight the Janitor Hydra and Percy lops all of its heads off, but of course they grow back because that part of the story rearranged itself while Percy was trying to read it in Greek Mythology Class. I'm kind of pissed at how little Greek Mythology our heroes are familiar with. It's kind of like how Harry Potter was all baffled and surprised by magic for like four of the seven books - this is Disney stuff. Get with the program.

Percy learns that he has magic water-control powers Of The Gods and fights the Janitor Hydra for a minute and then Partially Goat Black Friend slays it with the might of Uma Thurman.

So now we have a gigantic ten-headed Janitor Hydra Statue in the middle of the lobby, and there's water everywhere, but oh no the janitors were all part of the Hydra Squad so who's gonna clean this mess up?

And not our problem. We're off, to the beautiful city of Las Vegas. Now I know what you are thinking, and it's "Oh, they're gonna go to Ceasar's Palace!" but you're wrong. Ceasar was Roman, you imbecile. Obviously in this Greek Mythology movie we're bound for the Lotus Hotel and Casino, where twelve-year-old Percy Jackson and his friends are totally welcome to drink and gamble and use mind-altering substances.

Some cocktail waitresses offer our heroes something called Lotus Flowers, which immediately cause our heroes to trip balls... Of The Gods.

I should point out that Poker Face by Lady GaGa begins to play subtly in the background while this is going on. Our heroes proceed to candy flip their way around the casino, partying and gambling and chowing down on more MDMA Lotus Flowers. Oh and then this happens.

I think something's up. Turns out these Lotus Flowers are from Greek Mythology, much to our surprise. I would have never guessed that. Sure, the garden supply store had a Medusa Uma Thurman and the picnic park had a Janitor Hydra, but I figured these free, insanely hallucinogenic drug flowers were on the level.

Nope. These cocktail waitresses have been capturing people and keeping them all gurned up for a hundred years. But Percy gets a psychic wake up call from his dad Poseidon, and he slaps the other two out of their wicked trip, and they make their escape. Oh and black people are pros at stealing cars.

Turns out we've been in that casino for FIVE DAYS, and tomorrow is the Summer Solstice. Drugs are BAD, kids.

So we discover that the entrance to Hell is behind the Hollywood sign and head on up there. Behind the sign is Charon, who looks like he's thinking of switching jobs.

Charon takes them to Hell, where they learn that everybody goes to Hell when they die. Hell seriously sucks in this movie. What Dreams May Come has got NOTHING on Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief.

We get dropped off at Hell's Front Office, where the water feature is a Fire Feature, and go to meet Hades, who appears to be Mick Jagger. And Rosario Dawson, who must have caused a dramatic increase in teen suicide by appearing in Hell in this movie. Hades thinks it's rad that Percy has brought him the Bolt... except he hasn't.

Hades asks the obvious question, which is "So why in the world would you come to HELL without the thing that you'd need to give me in order to get your mom back? Um, welcome to Hell I guess. Your room is down the hall next to the ice machine." But he summons Mom anyway for some reason, to make a point I guess, and while Percy hugs her it turns out that the Bolt was stuffed in his shield the whole time.

Oh cool. So, being a man of his word, Hades condemns our heroes to an eternity in Hell even though they brought him the Bolt, albeit unintentionally. Wait, what? The GODDAMN DEVIL can't be trusted? What is this underworld coming to? Luckily, Rosario Dawson is unsatisfied with her life and takes it out on Hades. Women, I tell you. You give them an inch and they blast you with lightning.

Rosario Dawson lets them go, but since they have only three Pearls of GTFO, Partially Goat Black Friend volunteers to stay behind with an extremely horny Rosario Dawson. What a brave and noble sacrifice.

Percy, Mom, and Romantic Lead stomp the Pearls and decide to go to Olympus, which is nothing like Floo Powder at all, and teleport to the Empire State Building Observation Deck of The Gods. They have like six minutes to get the Bolt back to Zeus, even though Mount Olympus is in Greece and midnight happens like twenty five times in a given day in various places and there's absolutely no reason that New York should be the critical location. Let's try to focus.

Douchebag shows up with Magic Converse and crows that his plan has come to fruition. He fights Percy for awhile and nabs the Bolt, then Percy whips out his own Magic Converse and they battle in the skies of New York.

Percy remembers his extremely comprehensive battle training, which was one game of Capture the Flag, and attempts to capture the Bolt. Their long and somewhat silly battle ends up on top of a tenement with a suspicious number of large water towers, and Douchebag essentially seals his own fate by loudly reminding Percy of his superpowers. "You're a demigod, dummy. You can easily kill me with magic water." (paraphrasing.) I guess that's a taunt in ancient Greece. Percy crushes him in a huge torrent of water and then knocks him into a river.

Is the day saved? Not just yet. Percy flutters back to the Empire State Building and his mom leads them into the Elevator of The Gods. 

They head up to Olympus to return the Bolt, where the gods are standing around bickering as they have presumably been doing for two weeks straight. Poseidon keeps yammering and all of a sudden I recognize him as the voice of Soap McTavish from Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. Which is what Douchebag was playing in his tent. There are forces at work here we may never understand.

Percy gets himself off the hook and explains that Douchebag stole the Bolt so that the Gods would fight and it's pretty much their own fault for abandoning their many, many children. Poseidon tries to explain to Percy that when Percy was born, Poseidon lived with him and his mother for seven months until Zeus decided he was not spending enough time at work and made some new rules. There is a perfect opportunity for redemption here, where Poseidon could commit to his son and leave Olympus and be a father again.

But he goes back to work and Percy goes back to camp. I guess the overall meaning of this story is, "Your parents are gonna disappoint you, and that's just life. Go back to camp, I'm working right now."

Zeus begrudgingly brings Partially Goat Black Friend back from Hell, which probably wasn't as kind of a deed as he thinks (Rosario Dawson!), and PGBF gets his horns! He's a real Guardian now!

Percy gets the standard "You disobeyed the rules and went off and did your own thing but you know what, that's actually pretty awesome so you're my Favorite Student now" speech, which the Wheelchair Horse learned from Albus Dumbledore I think, and goes to practice sword battling with Romantic Lead. Romantic Lead does not kiss Percy, she just pretends to so she can nab his sword and be an arrogant bitch.

And then they start to sword battle and the movie is over.

It was better than I made it sound, but still kind of stupid. And the blatant, unapologetic ripoff of Harry Potter in both cast and story structure seems almost too obvious for words. I appreciate that this may generate increased interest in Greek Mythology, although Clash of the Titans probably did it better and also had Sam Worthington in it.

I hope this has been as much fun to read as it was to write. Cheers!

Hate Watching: Percy Jackson and The Lightning Thief

Tonight I am working a double shift, so I've decided to blatantly steal the format of one of my favorite bloggers and "hate watch" a crappy movie. Hopefully this will be funny and entertaining.

And so tonight we bring you the new hit film, "Percy Jackson and the Lightning Thief" which is in no way anything like the six existing Harry Potter films with indistinguishably similar titles.

The film opens with two good-looking guys meeting on top of the Empire State Building and discussing the weather. We discover that one of these fine gentlemen is Zeus, the Greek King of the Gods, and the other is Poseidon, God of the Sea. Zeus is experiencing a certain lack of thunder power lately. He expresses the same combination of frustration, anger, and displaced aggression as a man suffering from erectile dysfunction. I smell a metaphor.

Zeus believes his Bolt has been stolen, and he's decided the guilty party is Poseidon's son. Gods, it seems, are "Forbidden" from stealing each other's powers. I thought Zeus ran the show, but I guess even gods have to play by the rules for some reason. Takes all the fun out of being a god, if you ask me, but nobody did. Moving on, Zeus basically pronounces the doom of this as-yet-unidentified child if the Bolt doesn't find it's way back to him in two weeks, by the Summer Solstice.

OR THERE WILL BE WAR.

He then explodes the door into the Empire State Building Gift Shop. Gods don't wait to purchase snow globes.

We're then treated to a long, quiet, extremely uncomfortable shot of an androgynous young man at the bottom of a swimming pool. He's holding his breath quite comfortably for a very long time. Could he possibly be the aforementioned bastard offspring of the GOD OF THE SEA?

Seriously, uncomfortably long. I paused this movie in order to write that segment, and when I un-paused it, the shot continued unabated for another fifteen seconds, easily.

So our fae young man finally surfaces to greet his incredibly stereotypical black friend, waiting patiently with a towel for his master. We discover that Percy Jackson is A Beast and has been holding his breath for seven minutes. It felt longer to me. When asked by his googly-eyed friend how he does it, Percy responds, "I just like being in the water."

Black Friend is walking on crutches and Percy can hold his breath for seven minutes. Whatever stereotypes we're reinforcing, the athleticism of African Americans over whites is not one of them.

Today in English class, we have a substitute teacher. Immediately after introducing herself, she throws a line from Othello at the class and ignores several children who are raising their hands to pick on Percy Jackson. How does she know who Percy is? And why aren't the children fleeing from her in terror?

Percy stares at the blackboard, where the short quote rearranges itself creepily. Is Percy dyslexic? Is this the first sign of his latent Godly illiteracy?

Mom says it's dyslexia. Mom is the lady who deflowered Steve Carrell in The 40 Year Old Virgin. Percy also has the ADHD. This school was supposed to make things better. I think he's a Special Needs Half God.

Mom's boyfriend is the traitor from The Matrix and his manners haven't improved one bit.

Percy doesn't understand why Mom wants to stay with this irresponsible, smelly bastard. "He's been good to us, Percy... in ways you don't understand." I think we all know what she means.

Percy's field trip to the Met takes him, predictably, to the most shockingly accurate portrayal of Zeus ever crafted by human hands. I mean, look! Zeus is a dead ringer for Boromir!

The wheelchair-bound lecturer (because everyone who's not a God is disabled, okay movie, we get it now) explains the ancient myth that the Greek Gods would occasionally come to Earth in order to "hook up" with mortals and produce Demigod children. Percy knows this intimately, presumably having read about it. I guess his Greek Mythology textbook was written entirely in palindromes.

Percy has another dyslexic rearrangement attack that allows him to easily translate Greek letters. Turns out there was a legendary Demigod named... wait for it... Perseus!

The creepy substitute teacher who is for some reason on a field trip takes Percy into an empty room and teleports up onto a scaffold, where she turns into a horrific, bird-rat-monster creature. More of one, anyway. She accuses Percy of stealing the Bolt and starts carrying him around in a menacing fashion.

I warned you, children.

Luckily, the Cripple Brigade bursts through the door, and wheelchair lecturer commands the harpy to let Percy go. She immediately complies and smashes her way through a window.

Wheelchair man offers Percy a tiny sliver of something after hastily conferring with Crippled Black Friend.

Crippled Black Friend escorts Percy away from the Museum, explaining that he is Percy's protector and that he would gladly give his life to protect his beloved white friend. Percy graciously points out that CBF is in crutches and is therefore not much use as a protector.

See that guy with the easel? I played Hacky Sack with a guy from California on that exact spot once. Moving on, Percy and CBF rush to Percy's apartment and interrupt Cypher's Middle Of The Day Severely Alcoholic Poker Lunch.

Percy calls Cypher a bald freak and CBF breaks his testicles with his Protector Crutches. Then they leave with Percy's mom, with whom CBF is apparently on a first-name basis. While driving through the country and explaining that Percy's biological father was just as Special as Percy is, Mom's attention lapses and a cow carcass is hurled in front of the car. She flips her GT and they end up upside-down.

Crippled Black Friend turns out to be Partially Goat Black Friend. He looks just as alarmed by this as I am.

The ragtag group runs away from what appears to be a Minotaur. I'm really feeling the Greek love. Wait...

After running through the woods for approximately four seconds, they stumble across precisely the place they were driving to. In fact, the front entrance is in the woods, right where they were running from the Minotaur.

Maybe he's not even their enemy. He's just a Greek Mythology Valet. Seems like he got them where they needed to go. Percy's mom can't enter the safety of the Camp, and is snatched up by the Minotaur. Percy pulls out the mysterious item given to him by Wheelchair man, which turns out to be a sword, and prepares to battle the Minotaur and save his mother.

Oh well. Percy still decides to take a swing at the Minotaur, and manages to slay it with its own horn-chunk. That was suspiciously easy. Well, your mom is still powdered, but good job Percy.

We wake up the next morning and Percy is in a cot, attended to by Partially Goat Black Friend, who is dressed like a really gay Faun.

This is the Infirmary, where the many, many injured Campers go. It turns out PGBF is only a JUNIOR protector, and hasn't got his horns yet, and this is what prevented him from saving Percy's mom. Got it. PGBF  shows Percy around Camp Half-Blood and explains that this is where the many, many hybrid offspring of various supernatural beings go to escape their feelings of  abandonment. (Reading between the lines a little.) He explains that Percy's dyslexia is a result of his Demigod brain being "hardwired for ancient Greek" and that his ADHD is "warrior impulsiveness". I'm not sure, but this movie almost seems to be pandering to the kids in the back of the class. No dad? Don't like school? Can't sit still? That's because YOU ARE A GOD AMONG MEN.

PGBF shows Percy where he'll recieve Battle Training.

Evidently the Greeks never let go of fighting methods that are two and a half thousand years old. I have a hard time believing the omniscient Gods never figured out how to conjure up an AR-15, but for the sake of thematic flow we'll move past that. Percy then spots Romantic Lead, who is the daughter of Athena. He expresses confident interest and is laughed at by the very same person who just told him he was part God.

We then go running through the woods and who's waiting for us but Wheelchair Lecturer! Only with some slight modifications to his undercarriage.

Yup. Turns out all the crippled people in the world are actually part animal and they're just rocking the alternative locomotion to stay undercover. I don't know what to call this, but it certainly isn't pandering. It's the same sort of subtle offensiveness as Twilight's inference that all Native Americans are werewolves.

Although this does explain the hefty fines for parking in their spaces.

We find out that Percy is the son of Poseidon, and has his very own gazebo house and his very own humongous Trident. He takes this in stride.

We discover that Percy, as the son of Poseidon, is considered a threat by his uncles Zeus and Hades. Wait... didn't I see this movie a couple months ago?

Once again, it is spoon-fed to us that Zeus wants his big throbbing Bolt back soon, or THERE WILL BE WAR. And for no special reason, Zeus thinks Percy has the Bolt. Nobody thinks to ask. Or even shake the bastard down. Check his pockets. He'll understand.

We begin Hero Training, where Percy will learn how to be an Ancient Greek Demigod Warrior. The Blue Team says they'll take him, led by Douchebag Older Kid.

And so begins the training of a Hero!

First... CAPTURE THE FLAG. This will adequately prepare Percy for WAR. Since, you know, THERE WILL BE WAR. Percy and Douchebag split away from the group and head for the Red flag, and are ambushed by Red Team kids, who fight them with swords. Percy astounds himself with prodigious sword skills, and, oh yeah, KILLS A FELLOW CAMPER.

Hope his human parent signed the waiver.

Percy reaches the flag, only to be surprised and mercilessly sliced up by Romantic Lead.

Luckily, he collapses near a stream, and in his desperation, claws his way to the water. Which, because he is the son of Poseidon, magically heals his injuries.

Then he wins at Capture the Flag of The Gods. I think he's ready FOR WAR. That night, he is invited to a party by strangely dirty Demigod Sluts. I mean they are actually covered in filth. Oh and then the Devil shows up in the bonfire.

                                  

Everyone kind of panics, which bugs me. I thought these people were all the children of Gods. They party with centaurs and mermaids and that sort of rabble. Why should it be such a big deal if the fire acts up once in a while? Hades, the Bonfire Lord, explains to Percy that in return for the Bolt, he will restore Mom to life. Once again, it never occurs to him to ask Percy, hey, do you even have this Bolt? How'd you get it?

Nevermind all that. Bolt for Mom. Got it.

That night, everyone is in street clothes and PGBF has human legs again and Romantic Lead is preparing to run away with Percy because he's not "sticking to the Plan".

They don't know how to get to the Underworld (although it seems kind of obvious to me.) so they go and ask Douchebag, who is playing Playstation Of The Gods in his enormous private tent.

Douchebag, being the son of Hermes, happens to have a pair of his dad's Flying Converse Sneakers, and unquestioningly lends these priceless artifacts of the Messenger God to a guy he met this morning. What can I say? Percy plays a damn impressive game of Capture the Flag.

He also doles out a magical map that leads to rare and powerful transportation items, and his absolute favorite magic shield. This guy just doesn't care about his toys. Bet he wouldn't give them a turn on the Playstation, though.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione hop on a bus to - wait, shit. Hold on. Shaggy-haired white kid who's new to his world of wonder, awkward minority who's grown up in the world of wonder, prodigiously talented and experienced brunette who's hostile towards her inevitable romantic interest... sorry, I got a little lost for a second. (Yes, gingers are a minority. I knew you'd be complaining.)

Okay so they hop on a bus to Atlantic City. If there is a world of magic and wonder, Atlantic city is not a part of it. This movie is obviously fiction.

They reach their first destination, a garden supply store. It's deserted and filled with rats and decay. "Let's split up" is uttered, predictably. A black guy wanders off by himself. Is there a Writer's Guild rule that this has to occur in EVERY movie?

Oh hey guys, remember how there's statues everywhere? And remember how there are Greek monsters in this movie every five or six minutes?

Yup. Uma Thurman is Medusa. I knew this was no ordinary Garden Statue Surplus Dealership. Turns out Romantic Lead's mom is the one who made Medusa all snakey. Needless to say, there's a grudge going on.

Black Mamba x 25. Bad news. She encourages Random Unsuspecting Shopper to sneak a peek. Random skipped her Greek Mythology courses to smoke under the bleachers with the cool girls, so she sneaks a peek.

Percy flees the scene, periodically checking his iPhone because that's how you pay for movies like this. Ostensibly he's checking the reflection on the chrome back surface so he won't accidentally look at Medusa. We all know he's texting.

So Percy manages to slice her head off and we stand around deciding what to do with it. At this point I notice our cast consists of a white couple and a single black dude.

In five years they will be the cast of the Matrix. In ten years they will be a Disaronno commercial. Moving on, we have defeated the Boss Battle, and our reward is one of the three Pearls of Deus Ex Machina that will allow us to return easily from the Underworld!

Snatch!

This marks the halfway point in our adventure, and it's taken me almost five hours to watch an hour of this film. I underestimated the difficulty in mocking screenshots. I'll finish this abortion of a film later on. Thanks for reading!