The Contentment in Disassociation

Today I am lurking around on Facebook, as I generally do when work is slow and/or boring, and it occurs to me to check up on my sister. A few weeks ago, after that whole mess you read about a few entries back, I un-friended said sister in order to prevent further spying and monitoring by my mother. It bothers me that this sort of covert ops has a place in my family life, but it is what it is.

So I wander over to my sister's page and sit there for a moment, feeling sort of depressed at the gulf that's grown  between us, wondering what my other sister is up to, if they're happy, and something catches my eye. A name I've never seen before, where there used to be a comment on a picture from my mother.

Wait.

That's right... she went and got married. Last weekend. I'd forgotten. And somehow I'd never really absorbed that she'd be changing her name, as a good Catholic woman does when she's married. (Actually the doctrine of the Catholic church, as I understand it, is that there's no such thing as divorce, so in the eyes of God any subsequent marital relations are adultery.) None of this hyphenated bullshit the kids are doing these days.

For a moment I simply stare, awestruck. I recently wrote an entry on names, you may recall, and the meaning in them. You begin to associate the near-random collection of syllables with an actual human being, to the point where merely uttering those letters evokes the spirit of a person. It's like a spell. I see this odd, gutteral word "Gregory" and associate it with myself. That's who I am. "Gregory" is me. Say it near me, and you have my attention.

So now my mother has a different name. A new identity. And most importantly, nothing in common with *me*. My family name, which she so often hurled at me like an insult ("You're just like the rest of them!") is no longer attached to her. It feels... cleaner.

I thought seeing it would freak me out, but very quickly I realized that it made me feel free.

Kathleen K. Allen? Who's that? Just someone I used to know. No relation.

Another link in the chain breaks, and my walk towards freedom continues. It's funny, the things that can make you smile.