Two days from now, we here in the United States will be celebrating the holiday Thanksgiving. Wikipedia's entry on Thanksgiving begins thus:
Thanksgiving Day, known informally as "Turkey Day," is a harvest festival celebrated primarily in the United States and Canada. Thanksgiving was a holiday to express thankfulness, gratitude, and appreciation to God, family and friends for which all have been blessed of material possessions and relationships. Traditionally, it has been a time to give thanks for a bountiful harvest. This holiday has since moved away from its religious roots.
A harvest festival with vestigial religious overtones, basically. There's also an emphasis on family, being thankful for all that you have been given, etc. Cool.
In spirit, I can really get behind this. Of course I don't believe in God, and the idea of thanking anyone but myself for the food I bought with my money and prepared with my hands sort of chafes. I'm certainly grateful to the guys who pluck the turkeys, whoever they are. Buckled hats off to you, gentlemen, you make my holiday cooking a hell of a lot more pleasant. God is really only part of it, though.
One is also supposed to be thankful for family. Again we have the term "thankful" as though there is someone I'm supposed to be thanking for the 'gift' of a family. And then of course there is the unfortunate reality of my family itself- my parents are divorced, (mother twice,) my three siblings living in two different places, my father hundreds of miles to the south. At various times, any or all of them may be estranged from any other, or myself.
Our history is one of conflict, psychological torment, confusion, depression, and near-constant upheaval. My father is a good man, and I love my brother and sisters dearly, but at the end of the day it's hard to be especially "thankful" for my particular clan. It seems like we get along best when we're scattered across the country. My sister, for instance, recently commented on one of my Facebook statuses, which shouldn't be unusual or significant. For me, however, it was. We're just that kind of family.
And I suppose I must mention my mother. I'm going to her house next week for my youngest sister's birthday dinner and I'm already having the old nightmares in anticipation. I already feel bad for putting Vanessa through what I'm sure will be a week of moodiness and depression. I'm simply incapable of being around my mother, of hearing her voice, of interacting with her in any way, without becoming extremely uncomfortable and upset. I still haven't responded to her text message inviting me to that dinner, in fact, I just realized it.
I've gotten away from my original line of thought, but I guess it's all to say the same thing: What am I supposed to be thankful for? And to who?
My line of work is such that, as everyone I know gathers in warm places to feast and enjoy togetherness, I will be at work, alone, bored and cold, wondering if the Chinese celebrate Thanksgiving or not so I can order some General Tso's Chicken. (Do they?) A week or so from now, I'll be getting a slightly enhanced paycheck as a result of working on a holiday. But there's nowhere else I'd prefer to be.
In the company of my family? At church? The typical social structures have all more or less disappointed me. I could say it's my own fault. My Atheism is a personal conceit, a choice I made. And Matt and Hailee seem to be able to look past my mother's faults and enjoy themselves with her. So what's my problem?
I guess I just can't ignore what I know. There have been so many times I've been tempted to just say "fuck it" and go back to wishing there was a God. There have been even more times I've been tempted to give this family thing another pass. But I can't. I literally can't make myself forget what I've learned. I can't suspend disbelief. I can't trust her again. I want to so badly sometimes... but it's just not in me.
Maybe I'm just a sociopath. That's what mom says. I'm sure she'll have a revised list of my faults and fuckups on Wednesday, I'll have to bring a pen and pad to write them all down. Maybe we can get to the bottom of this.
In the meantime, here's me, adrift at the Holidays. All stressed up and nowhere to go.
