If life was like a Nicholas Sparks book, every relationship situation would go as follows.
1. Fight
2. Discover his deep, painful secret past that makes you understand why he's pushing you away
3. Confront him with secret and comfort him as he bursts into tears
4. Passionate lovemaking (and/or other intimate, long-awaited activity)
5. He drives to 7-11 to pick up snacks the next day, but on his way home he's KILLED BY A CRASHING SPACE SHUTTLE
6. You cry a lot
7. Movie deal
See, the key element in every Nicholas Sparks story is a pointless, tragic death at the exact moment when two or more people ought to be beginning a new and beautiful life. The best part is that he ALWAYS kills his characters nearly immediately once they've discovered love or happiness or whatever else they were lacking.
Even better, he always does so in the most random and incomprehensibly cruel fashion possible.
The Notebook: Oh, right! We love each other! I remember you! Smile! DEAD OF OLD AGE, THAT VERY AFTERNOON
Nights in Rodanthe: I love you! I love you too! Our empty lives are really worth something now! I'm gonna come live with you and make you happy forever, right after I help some orphans in Guam. DEAD IN UNSEASONABLE MUDSLIDE
A Walk To Remember: We finally understand each other, have fallen in love, and have your overbearing father's approval, against all odds! DEAD FROM INCREDIBLY AGGRESSIVE LEUKEMIA
The Last Song: I'm so glad I came here and got to know you, daddy! This has been the best summer ever! Why are you hacking up blood? DEAD FROM SURPRISE STOMACH CANCER
Message in a Bottle: You finally love me for who I am, and have healed from the pain of losing your former lover! Everything is going to be okay now! WTF SHIPWRECK
I broke the code and the code's fucking stupid. All of these situations are designed to be as devastating as possible, and they always occur as close to the end of the book as possible. In this way, Sparks manages to emotionally sodomize his female audience, and then leave immediately without giving them a chance to cope or a glimpse of a potentially brighter future.
It's possible to evoke emotion without just slaying your cast, Nick.
I know I'm nobody to talk. I'm not a professional. (yet?) My own writing is not without it's gimmicks, but I'm also not a critically acclaimed, multiple-film-adapted superstar. So I'm not quite as full of shit as I seem to be.
Sorry for that outburst. And I'm also sorry I've read so many Nicholas Sparks books. The films suck too.
This is why I shouldn't work so late.
